Beneath It All (Beneath #1) Read online

  I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. Noah looked at me and could see I was struggling, so he jumped in: “Dr. Forrester, how long does the entire fill process typically take? Are will talking three to six months, or longer?”

  “Generally, women can comfortably handle between twenty-five and fifty cc’s at each fill. A few have had up to one hundred cc’s, but that’s rare. The tolerable amount is determined during the procedure by the patient. If they say ‘stop,’ we stop, and each session is different. One week you might be able to take more and the next time it might be less. However, my limit’s one hundred cc’s at a time. In calculating everything, it will take approximately two to four months from the first fill to get to where we are able to place the permanent implant.”

  “Am I awake for the fills?” Please say no, please say no, pretty pretty please say no!

  “Yes, you’re awake, but you don’t need to watch. You’ll feel some pressure and mild discomfort, but it’s a fairly simple procedure. Have you thought about if you want saline or silicone implants?”

  Smooth change of subject, I thought, and replied, “Not really, but I think I want saline. I’ve heard that there isn’t a problem if they leak and they’re safer. All the horror stories of silicone over the years makes me hesitant.”

  “That’s fair. We don’t have to make the decision right now, but in my professional opinion, I would suggest that you consider silicone. Generally, most mastectomy patients find the silicone implants are more comfortable and less rigid.”

  Reaching into another drawer, he pulled out two more heavy-duty water balloons. These were full, and he handed one to me and one to Noah. He was like a magician with a magic hat, only he was pulling out fake boobs instead of rabbits.

  I was holding one that appeared to be filled with gel, and he explained. “Silicone implants are now manufactured with mesh inside the capsule, and the silicone adheres to it, so if there’s a rupture, the silicone stays attached to the mesh and doesn’t leak out. I’ve been using them since they were reintroduced to the market, and I’ve been very pleased with their performance.”

  Noah looked at it with curiosity and couldn’t help the smirk on his face. Yep. Men and fake boobs. Need I say more?

  “What?” he asked sarcastically when he noticed me glaring at him. I shook my head and couldn’t help but smile, trying my best to find the humor in this.

  I’m picking out boobs like you would pick out melons at the grocery store. “Do I get to pick the size?”

  “Yes, you do; however, I’ll need to see what we are working with as the amount of skin available may limit how big you can go.” He stood and opened a cabinet and pulled out my new favorite top . . . a pink paper gown. “I’m going to step out for a moment so you can slip this on. Please undress from the waist up and keep the opening in the front.”

  A light blush crossed my face as I took it from him before he left the room. This attractive man, who was now my doctor, asked me to strip my top off so he could see my boobs . . . in front of my husband. I felt like I was in the twilight zone or the beginning of a cheesy-ass porn movie!

  Looking at Noah, it didn’t seem to bother him in the least, so I quickly stripped out of my top and slid on the pink paper gown and took a seat on the exam table.

  Another knock at the door, and Dr. Forrester appeared, followed by woman. She was about my height with light brown hair and hazel eyes. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, if I had to guess. “This is Elizabeth, my assistant. She’ll be the one scheduling your surgery and appointments moving forward and will be present during all exams. She’ll be a great resource for you.”

  I smiled politely at her, and she smiled back.

  Dr. Forrester washed his hands and stepped toward me. “Let’s see what we have to work with.”

  I opened my gown slowly and was suddenly feeling apprehensive. My boobs felt disgusting, and I hated them right now.

  “Well, the good news is that you have larger breasts to begin with, looks like a full D?”

  “Yes, you’re correct.” Oh my god. He guessed my bra size. How embarrassing. “And that’s a good thing because?”

  “Having larger breasts to begin with leaves more skin, which makes the expansion easier without the concern of stretching the skin too thin. If there isn’t enough skin, we’re limited by how large we can go due to the risk of the skin splitting.”

  Eww! All sorts of images entered my head, making me feel nauseated.

  He quickly cut through my thoughts. “But you don’t need to be concerned with that. We should be able to get you close to the same size you currently are, and because you have opted for a bilateral mastectomy, both breasts will be very similar in size and symmetry. My recommendation would be a full C cup. In my opinion, it would look best on your frame if you’re okay with downsizing a bit.”

  “I’m good with downsizing,” I said as I looked over at Noah, who looked a bit uneasy right now. “What do you think, Noah?”

  He looked up at me and simply said, “Whatever you want to do is fine with me. This is about you, and I want you to be happy with your decision.”

  He looked conflicted. Noah was a boob man. No way around it. It killed me knowing this at this moment.

  “I would like to downsize a bit, but don’t want them to be too small. I’m used to filling out my clothes, and I don’t want to go from this . . .” I stated and did a Vanna White move, showcasing my boobs. “. . . to looking like a school girl.”

  Noah and Dr. Forrester both laughed, and I heard a giggle from Elizabeth. “Happy to entertain,” I said with a smirk, finally feeling more relaxed.

  “No. You will not look like a school girl. I want you to feel like a confident, beautiful woman and to make you feel comfortable in your skin again,” Dr. Forrester said, looking me directly in the eye. I could see that he meant each and every word.

  “Are you on board with me?” I questioned Noah. I knew this decision would affect us both, even though it was my body.

  “Yes, if you’re comfortable with Dr. Forrester’s plan, let’s move forward with surgery. The sooner, the better.”

  “Okay. Let’s get this scheduled,” I said.

  “Wonderful, I will need Elizabeth to take a few pictures today for my records. These will help me during the reconstruction process, and we will take them a few more times throughout the process.”

  He looked to Elizabeth. “When you have finished with the pictures, please contact Dr. Lauren’s office immediately to get our schedules coordinated and call the hospital to schedule surgery.”

  “Sure thing. Excuse me, I’m going to step out to grab the camera and get the paperwork started. Dr. Forrester, please let me know when you’re ready for me to come back in for pictures.”

  Dr. Forrester returned to his desk to look through a note in my chart. “Dr. Lauren mentioned that he would like to get this scheduled in the next week or two. With the Thanksgiving holiday coming up, it might be tight. Do you have any travel conflicts that we need to be aware of?”

  “None,” Noah quickly replied. “Victoria’s health is of the utmost importance right now. We will take any day and time available.”

  “Good. Victoria, I wish we hadn’t met on these terms, but I’ll take good care of you and make this process as smooth as possible. I’ll have Elizabeth get everything set up, and I’ll see you before surgery. Until then, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call me directly.”

  Noah stood and shook Dr. Forrester’s hand and thanked him for his time.

  I sat there numb and in my own world until I heard a throat clear and looked up to see Dr. Forrester standing in front of me. “Victoria, I know this is a huge shock. Please know that I’m here to support you during this journey and that I’ll do my very best to help you feel normal again.” He placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “I can tell that you’re a strong and witty woman, and you will get through this. You have an amazing future ahead of you.” After a gentle squ
eeze of my shoulder, he left the room.

  A few moments later, Elizabeth was back. “Are you ready?” she asked.

  “As ready as I’m going to be, I guess. Is it okay if Noah is in the room?”

  “I’m okay with it if he is.”

  Noah stood. “I think I’ll wait in the hallway to give you some privacy.” He kissed me before stepping out of the room.

  Over the course of ten minutes, Elizabeth took several topless mug shot pictures. Not really, but it felt like it. “Please turn this way and face the corner. Now turn this way and face the camera. Make sure your feet are pointing to the wall and are on the red line.” Yep, I had officially taken topless mug shot pictures. . . . I felt like a whore.

  Chapter Five

  I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE

  The phone rang as I was cleaning up lunch. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Victoria, this is Elizabeth from Dr. Forrester’s office.”

  “Hi. How are you?”

  “I’m doing well, and you?”

  “Better. Thank you for asking.”

  “I’m happy to hear that. The reason for my call is that we are running into a few conflicts with scheduling your surgery, and Dr. Forrester wanted me to call you immediately to see if Friday, November 25 would work for you. I know this is the day after Thanksgiving, but Dr. Lauren is available, and Dr. Forrester will free up his schedule if this works for you.”

  “Yeah, I think that works,” I said as I scrambled over to the calendar on the desk.

  Noah looked up at me with curiosity and whispered, “Is that the office regarding surgery?” I nodded. “Elizabeth, can you give me one moment, please? Noah just popped in, and I just want to check with him.”

  “Sure, no problem. I’m happy to hold.”

  I covered the phone with my hand and told Noah that they were having problems scheduling the surgery, but the day after Thanksgiving would work and that one of the doctors was making special arrangements to be there if it was okay with me. “Yes. Take it,” he said without hesitation.

  “Yes, we’ll go ahead with surgery on the twenty-fifth.”

  “That’s wonderful. I’ll tell Dr. Forrester right away. You will need to schedule a pre-op within seven days prior to the surgery. Do you have a primary physician that you can schedule this with?” she inquired.

  “Yes, I’ll call my doctor and schedule one. Is there anything specific I need from her? I’ve never had surgery, and I don’t quite know what the process is.”

  “If you call the office and request a pre-op appointment, they will take care of the rest. Just provide your surgery date, type of surgery, and the medical center where you will be having the procedure done. They will take care of all of the paperwork and fax it directly to the hospital’s admissions department,” she calmly explained. “You can expect a call from the admissions department forty-eight hours prior to surgery to complete the pre-registration process, and they will give you the time of surgery during that call. Typically, this type of surgery is scheduled early in the morning, as it’s more invasive and takes about three to five hours.”

  “Dr. Lauren explained that I should anticipate staying overnight for at least two nights?”

  “That’s correct. The first thirty-six hours after surgery are when you will feel the most discomfort, and we will need to keep an eye on your incisions to avoid infection. I’ll call the medical center to schedule the surgery and will mail your surgical packet this afternoon; it will explain everything in full detail. There are also a few instruction pages in there for Noah to review, as he will be your primary caregiver once you’re home.”

  “Got it,” I said as I wrote “Surgery” on the calendar. “I’ve got it written on my calendar and will call to schedule my pre-op immediately.”

  “Great, I’ll get everything else lined up on our end.” She paused for a moment, catching my attention. “I wish you well in surgery, Victoria, and hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. You have so much to be thankful for, and know that you’ll be in my thoughts.”

  “Thank you, Elizabeth. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well. I appreciate your kindness.”

  *

  The next two weeks went by in a blur. I met with two oncologists to discuss my treatment options. The first was an older gentleman who looked like Santa and had an accent like Arnold Schwarzenegger. While he came highly recommended, I couldn’t get past the mental picture of Arnold dressed up like Santa from the movie Jingle All the Way.

  After meeting the second recommended physician, Dr. Jill Guthrie, I knew I had found the right oncologist for me. She was genuine and didn’t try to candy coat anything. Noah and I both felt comfortable with her, but the thing that I loved most was that when she was leaving, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and said, “Everything is going to be all right, kiddo.” That right there sealed the deal!

  After reviewing and completing all of the pre-surgical paperwork and completing my pre-op exam, I was able to take a deep breath for a few days. I tried to avoid the urge to read about breast cancer on the Internet, but that was impossible. Noah was working longer hours to wrap up some business so he could take a few weeks off to tend to me, and I found myself reading everything I didn’t want to know about breast cancer.

  I researched different forms of treatment, looked at pictures of reconstruction, and found a few online support groups for younger women who had breast cancer. It was overwhelming and made me question everything. I needed to stop and find something else to do to keep my mind off of what was happening to me.

  On Monday night, I had a light-bulb moment and quickly grabbed my phone to text my three best friends—Jen, Bobbie Jo, and Dana.

  Bobbie Jo and I had met through a mutual friend after I had started my design firm. She was one of those people who I felt like I had known my entire life. She was full of energy and added the perfect amount of craziness to my life. Over the years, we had done some traveling together, as she was in the design business as well, and we also had gone to a few showroom events together. Wherever we went, she turned heads; she oozed confidence and had that look that had men staring . . . even the gay ones, who she loved flirting with, and often became close friends with. I enjoyed watching her in action. She was one in a million, and I was so happy we had become such close friends.

  Then there was Dana, my college roommate. We didn’t see each other as much anymore due to her travel schedule, but when we were together, it was nonstop gossip and laughter. We spent our freshman spring break flirting our way down the beach in Jamaica. We both loved Bob Marley, and so the destination choosing was easy. Planning the trip on a college-student budget, however, was not. But somehow we made it. It was my first and last college spring break, since I met Noah eight months later and skipped on the next spring break trip and all the ones after that. I lived vicariously through her on those trips, while I attempted skiing again with Noah and his friends. I definitely wasn’t a snow bunny. I was a born-and-bred beach babe, and nothing would change that.

  “Hello ladies. You have all asked what you can do to help me during this time, and believe it or not, I have something you can do. Noah is working a lot, and I need an escape to get my mind off of things. I’m proposing a spa day or dinner with my besties in the next day or two. Surgery is scheduled for Friday the 25, and I hope we can figure something in the next day or two. Sorry for the short notice.”

  Send.

  Within minutes, they all responded with huge YES answers. In true Bobbie Jo fashion, Bobbie Jo offered to set everything up and would let us all know the details. With her running the show, I knew this would be the perfect day.

  Two hours later, I received a text:

  Bobbie Jo: Spa day is scheduled for tomorrow! Cancel your day or call in sick because you’re meeting Victoria and me at the PreserveSpa at eleven tomorrow morning. I’ve got us all scheduled for facials, manis/pedis, and massages, followed by hair and makeup. A late champagne lunch will be brought in and served in a private room for us.
Bring your hottest cocktail dress and sexiest heels, as we will be enjoying a dinner and cocktails out before calling it a night. Time for us to all put on our bitch bras and ass-kicking shoes in support of Victoria as she prepares to kick cancer’s ass!

  Jen: OH, HELL YES!!!

  Dana: Wouldn’t miss it for the world . . . well . . . maybe for David Gandy. Just kidding . . . not really ;-)

  Score! This was just what I needed!

  I was getting out of the bathtub late Monday afternoon to try and unwind when I heard a knock on bathroom door. I grabbed my towel as Noah slipped into the room. “Surprise! I left the office early and picked up your favorite Italian take-out for dinner. I just need to heat it up in the oven when we are ready,” he said with a sly grin as he pulled his tie loose. “I didn’t expect to find you climbing out of the bath, and I’m now confident in saying that our dinner will be served much later.”

  I eyed him and couldn’t help but smile back. Even though the bruising had disappeared, I hadn’t felt very attractive or sexy with everything going on. Noah definitely could make me feel sexy, and I needed it. Over the last few weeks, my libido had gone into hiding. But the look on Noah’s face as he slid off his tie, had it making a sudden appearance once more, and I wasn’t going to ignore it! He had successfully flipped the sex switch back on.

  He looped his tie around me in my towel and pulled me toward him. He placed a kiss on my forehead before he buried his nose in my hair and inhaled slowly. “You smell like a tropical drink and I want a taste,” he murmured as he pulled me tighter against him, not at all bothered by the fact that I was getting him all wet.

  I let out a sigh and quickly melted in his arms forgetting everything that was going on . . . it was just Noah and me in this moment and nothing was going to stop it!

  Wrapping my arms around his waist, I felt the strong muscles of his back flex underneath my hands and started to pull his dress shirt out of his pants. The warmth of his skin against my hands only heightened my longing to feel every inch of him naked against me. What started as slow and sensual quickly changed into a hurried and urgent need to be consumed by this man . . . my husband . . . Noah.