Beneath, You're Beautiful Read online

  I’d made progress by pulling up my big-girl panties and staying for lunch with Jen and Bobbie Jo. Once again, my friends were there for me when I was ready to fall apart. I was thankful for that little voice that told me not to run; if I would have, who knows where I’d be at this moment.

  All in all, lunch was a success after the bomb dropped. We talked like old times, and I realized that whatever life threw at us, we’d get through it together. Our fearless foursome friendship—because I couldn’t forget Dana—would always prevail. We all had our place in this relationship and knew when we needed to rally; it was an unspoken rule. I was lucky to have such amazing friends.

  A swish sound came from my phone letting me know I had a text.

  Want company?

  Blake

  Sure. Where are you?

  Victoria

  Standing at your front door.

  Blake

  I jumped up and ran to the door. “Why didn’t you let yourself in?”

  “I wanted to make sure you were up for visitors. Jen left me a message after you had lunch, and I called her when I got home from the office. She told me about the news and that you surprised her by staying to eat and wanted to know if I had heard from you. I figured I would come and check on you instead of calling.”

  “Come in. I’m glad you chose to stop over.”

  I leaned up to kiss him after he stepped inside. “With a greeting like that, I’m glad I did too.”

  He followed me into the living room and pulled me into his arms after we sat on the sofa. “How are you doing? Honestly?”

  “I’m okay. Better than I should be, probably. I should be livid and wanting to murder Noah, but instead I want to walk away from my past and not look back. I don’t need nor want him in my life again, so contacting him would serve no purpose other than to provoke him, and he’s already hurt me enough. Nothing good will come out of my confronting him about his . . . secret . . . because it would only cause him to blow up and grill me on how I found out. And I’m not about to toss my best friend under a bus.”

  “As long as you get your feelings out, I think you’re making the right decision. ‘Don’t poke the bear’ mentality.”

  “Ha! I like that term. When he left, it was cut and dried, nothing was up for discussion, and that’s how I feel now. If he tries to contact me again, I’ll continue to ignore it. I owe him absolutely nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch.”

  “Well, then. Now that that’s settled, what are your plans for the night?”

  “No plans. I was just going to relax and maybe start a new book—unless you have something better to do?”

  “I’m sure I could think of something.”

  I sat up and moved across his lap so I was straddling him. “Something, huh?” I teased as I leaned in to kiss him.

  “More than something.” He pulled me closer to him. The kiss was warm, soft, and fueled with desire. I could feel him smiling against my lips as we kissed, which made me smile too. I opened my eyes to see his twinkling at me. “What would you say to hopping on a flight to Chicago in the next week or two?”

  I hesitated. My last trip to Chicago didn’t go so well. It left bad memories for me, but when I looked at the excitement on Blake’s face, I couldn’t say no. Maybe this was an opportunity to make new memories? “Sounds fun.”

  “Yeah?” He took notice of my hesitation.

  “Yes. I’d love to.” I leaned in to give him another kiss when “Crazy Bitch” started playing on my phone. “Dammit, Bobbie Jo.” I reached for my phone.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I answered.

  “The home hospice nurse called me. Jillian isn’t doing well and hasn’t had anything to eat or drink since I left yesterday morning. She tried to get up on her own and fell today, so the decision was made to move her into a hospice home so she can have round the clock care. We’re moving her tomorrow.”

  “What can I do? I’d come help you move her, but I still have a lifting restriction.”

  Blake shifted me off of his lap while he whispered, “I’ll give you some privacy.” He kissed me on the top of my head and walked out of the living room.

  “Can you stop by to visit in the afternoon after we get her settled? I know she’d love to see you.”

  “I’ll be there. How are you doing?”

  “I knew it was coming, but I’m not ready to say good-bye . . . not yet.”

  “Nobody’s ready. I can’t believe how quickly this happened, and I wonder if things would’ve been different if they’d caught it earlier. It’s just too damn fast. Jillian has been incredibly strong, and it’s not like her to give up, but she needs to find peace and comfort. I hope the hospice home will help her find that.”

  “I wonder the same thing. How did she not find it sooner? I’ve wanted to ask her about it, but I haven’t found the courage. I know I’ve become more aware since you were diagnosed and do my monthly checks, but I don’t know if Jillian did the same. Did she ever do exams? Do I need to worry about getting it too, since we’re genetically linked? I have so many questions, but I’m afraid to ask her.”

  “You need to ask her. You need to tell her how proud you are of her strength and grace, and you need to ask her those basic questions. Ask her if she did exams and went in for annual checks. Tell her that you need to be more aware and want to raise awareness on her behalf. Dr. Guthrie will be able to help you answer the questions about genetics and your risks—save those for her.”

  “Dr. Guthrie would talk with me?”

  “Yes. Make an appointment, and I’ll go with you. Your questions need answers, and we’ll make it happen, but right now Jillian needs you. She needs to spend time with loved ones and reminisce about old times and make new memories. It’s time to celebrate life with her, to tell her how much you love her, and to let her know that it’s okay for her to move on.” My breath caught at the last part, and the tears began to stream down my cheeks.

  Bobbie Jo was softly crying. “How did you become so wise?”

  “I’m not. All I know is that if I were in her situation, that’s what I’d want. I wouldn’t want you to mourn me, but to celebrate the life I’d lived. I’d want to leave this life with grace, like Jillian. She knows she’s dying, she’s not afraid, and she’s accepted it. She’s brave.”

  “As are you. You’re both incredible women, and you’ve touched my life in ways I never imagined. Thank you for being by my side with Jillian—I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

  “It sucks to see someone die from the same disease that tried to take your life. But I’m not dying, I’m living, and I’m not going to stop fighting for others as long as I live. I’m a survivor for a reason, and I’m going to make a difference.”

  I looked up to find Blake standing in the doorway with two steaming mugs in his hands. I nodded for him to come back in because I needed him right now. As strong as I felt saying those words to Bobbie Jo, I knew that I would break down once the call ended.

  “I’ll be fighting with you,” Bobbie Jo vowed with a shaky voice. “I should let you go. You’ve had a rough day, and I’m sorry to bring you further down in the dumps.”

  “Don’t be sorry for calling me . . . ever. I love you, and I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Love you too. Thanks, Victoria.” Click.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I AM A WARRIOR

  I arrived at the hospice home just after three o’clock. The home was warm and comforting, which surprised me, considering it was a place where people go to die. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. Dark, rich woodwork, exquisite tile, and a color palette of soft browns and bronze gave it a peaceful feel. A woman buzzed me in and met me in the grand foyer.

  “Welcome. May I help you?”

  I looked at her name tag. “Yes, Lindsey, I’m here to see Jillian . . .”

  “You’re here!” I heard Bobbie Jo call out as she approached me from my left.

  “You must be Victoria.” Lindsey reached her
hand out for me to shake. “Bobbie Jo and Jillian have already raved about you in the short time they’ve been here. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “I hope it was good.”

  “You’re greatly admired by both of them.” She stepped back. “I’ll let Bobbie Jo show you around. Please make yourself at home and let me know if you need anything while you’re here.”

  “I will. It was nice to meet you, Lindsey.”

  Bobbie Jo led me further into the home, and we were standing in a well-appointed great room with a large overstuffed leather sofa, several chairs, and a stone fireplace with bookcases filled with books on either side. But what caught my eye more than anything were the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking a small, tranquil lake. It looked like glass, other than the trail of water left behind by a pair of mallard ducks that were out for a swim. Suddenly, the aroma of fresh baked cookies filled my nose. “Why does it smell like cookies?” I asked Bobbie Jo.

  She grasped my shoulders and turned me around to see a beautiful galley kitchen right off the great room. “Because these lovely volunteers are here making them. They’re amazing—we’ll grab a plate of them to bring to Jillian’s room. I’ll give you a quick tour.”

  We peeked in on the game room and found a few kids busy playing a board game and what appeared to be a father and his daughter working on a puzzle at a large table by the window. They were all having fun and smiling, which warmed my heart.

  After stepping out onto the back patio that ran the length of the home, we came back in through the great room door. One of the volunteers held up a plate from the kitchen. “Don’t forget your cookies.”

  “Thank you.” Bobbie Jo took the plate, and I followed her past the entryway toward the other wing of the building. We passed what appeared to be a meditation room, with a glass wall that had water softly trickling down into a small pool. There was a spa room with a special bathtub and harness that helped patients to get in and out without much effort on their part.

  There were six private suites, all fully furnished with bedroom sets and their own private bathroom, small refrigerator, TV, and several chairs for guests to use. Jillian was in the corner suite overlooking the lake, and when she saw us walk in, she perked up—well, as perky as she could be. She had a black eye, which I wasn’t prepared for.

  “The black eye was my fault.” She smiled weakly at me. “I shouldn’t have tried to get out of bed on my own. It’s okay, really.”

  “It looks like it hurts. Guess they won’t let you get away with getting up on your own here, huh?” I joked.

  “Nope. They keep a close eye on me. Plus, Bobbie Jo hasn’t left since we got here, other than when she saw you pull up in the drive.”

  “I’m thinking about sleeping over, like old times,” Bobbie Jo insisted. “This chair turns into a twin-size bed, and I’m welcome to stay.”

  Jillian rolled her eyes. “We’ll see about that. I don’t know if I can handle your snoring.”

  “Shut up! I don’t snore.”

  “Settle down, girls,” I warned in a mocking tone. “We brought cookies. Want one?” I held the plate out to Jillian.

  “I’m not really hungry, but thanks. They smell really good.”

  I set them down on the bedside table. “Okay, I’ll just set them here in case you change your mind.”

  “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” she asked.

  “Very. Bobbie Jo gave me a tour, and I have to say, this isn’t what I expected. It’s like a retreat, warm and inviting. How’re you doing with being here?”

  “It was time. Staying in my own place was getting to be a bit too much for Bobbie Jo and the other caregivers. I’m thankful my homecare nurse recommended I move here. It’s still close to my friends and Bobbie Jo, so they can visit.”

  “It’s a great location, and the people have been so friendly. I think you landed in the right place,” Bobbie Jo smiled. “I’m happy we found it too.”

  Jillian sat up a little more in her bed and turned toward me. “I know you’re struggling more than anyone else with all of this because you’ve been drastically affected by breast cancer too, but you need to understand that I’ve made my peace. I’ve forgiven the people I needed to, and asked for forgiveness from others, and you know what? I finally feel free. Free from my mistakes and free of the anger I held toward others. I needed to let go of the negativity that was hiding inside. I have no regrets with how I’ve lived my life—none—and I plan to enjoy what little time I have left with those I love.”

  I could tell Bobbie Jo was struggling to hold back her tears, but she succeeded. I, too, was on the cusp of completely breaking down after what Jillian just acknowledged, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. We needed to keep a positive face for Jillian; she needed to know that we’d all be okay.

  “I wanted to ask you something.” I looked at Bobbie Jo for approval since I knew she wasn’t brave enough to ask. She nodded to go ahead. “I know I wasn’t as vigilant as I should have been with my self-exams. Did you do them frequently?”

  Jillian paused before responding; she was struggling to answer. “No. I’d never done one until that morning. I don’t know what triggered me to do it, but I did, and I instantly felt something was wrong.”

  “No other side effects?”

  “None. It was a bit tender to the touch, but nothing out of the ordinary. Why?” She let out a yawn.

  “I was just wondering. Breast cancer is different for many women, and I just want to find a cure. The more I know about it, the better job I can do of educating people about this horrific disease.”

  “Good for you!” Jillian answered with a drowsy voice. “I’m exhausted after moving. I think I need to close my eyes for a bit.”

  “Sweet dreams,” Bobbie Jo placed a kiss on her forehead.

  “Love you, Jillian. Sleep well,” I whispered, repeating Bobbie Jo’s gesture before stepping out of Jillian’s room to let her rest.

  Bobbie Jo and I stopped by the family kitchen, which was separate from the main kitchen, to grab some coffee. She explained that the main kitchen was for the patients and was monitored by the health department, so family members had their own kitchen. They were assigned specific drawers and cabinets and an area in the large double-door refrigerator to keep their snacks and meals.

  It was a sunny day, so we took our coffee outside and sat at one of the tables. The birds were chirping, and everything seemed happy, but it wasn’t. It was harder than I thought to visit Jillian here, knowing that her days were numbered, and this was our chance to say our final good-byes.

  “She knows she’s going to die here,” Bobbie Jo broke the silence. “She’s accepted that this is her farewell tour, as she calls it, and has asked all her close friends to come visit one last time. This is breaking my heart. How can she do this with no emotion? How can she accept this as her time to die?”

  “Nobody knows the answer to that until you’re at that point, which Jillian is. She’s come to terms with her fate and has chosen to be brave and not let fear take precedence. We still have unfinished business, and it’s not our time, but we all have an expiration date. Life is terminal for everyone.”

  “I’m afraid of dying.”

  “I think we’re all afraid of dying at some point in our lives. It’s unknown, and it’s something you do alone—nobody goes with you and that’s frightening. I admire her for being at peace with it, but am I at peace with my mortality right now? No, I’m not, because it’s not my time.”

  “Are we interrupting?” I heard Bobbie Jo’s parents from the doorway.

  “Not at all.” I stood to greet them. “I was just spending some time with Bobbie Jo, enjoying this beautiful day.”

  Her mom, MJ, pulled me into her arms and gave me a tight hug. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for both of my babies, while you’re in the midst of your own battle. You’ve been a gift to us all.”

  “Yes, you have,” her dad, Jack, agreed as he gave me a pat on the back. “Thank you.�
�

  Bobbie Jo stood and pushed her mom away to engulf me in her arms as she let out a loud sob. Her parents quickly put their arms around us both, and the four of us stood there crying together. We cried for what felt like ages and didn’t break our embrace until all the tears had dried up. It was a moment that would forever be a part of me, a time to embrace our fears and sadness for what was inevitable.

  “I should probably get going. The three of you need to spend time with Jillian as a family right now. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  “Victoria, you mean the world to me, and I’ll never be able to repay you for your kindness to my family.” Bobbie Jo sounded exhausted. “You’re my rock, and I’d be lost without you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”

  “That’s what friends are for. I love you.”

  “Love you too.” She gave me a weak smile before giving me a quick peck on the cheek.

  “It was nice seeing you both. I’ll see you tomorrow. Take good care of your girls—they’re both pretty amazing. You should be very proud.”

  “We are. Good night, Victoria.” MJ gave me another hug while Jack nodded in agreement.

  *

  I woke the next morning to a hot mocha from Caribou sitting on my bedside table with a note.

  Good morning Sunshine. I figured you could use a mocha and a smile.

  Blake xo

  It didn’t go unnoticed that the “xo” was back in his signature. I slipped on my slippers, grabbed the cup and trotted downstairs to the kitchen to get something for breakfast. I hadn’t eaten anything last night after leaving Bobbie Jo and her parents, and my stomach was not happy with me.

  As I turned the corner to the kitchen, I noticed a bakery box sitting on the edge of the island. I smiled to myself knowing that Blake had left this for me as well, like a treasure hunt.