Beneath, You're Beautiful Read online

  “You bet. Take your time.”

  Stepping under the hot stream of water was like heaven. It washed away the yucky feeling after surgery. I carefully reached for my loofa puff and poured my favorite body wash on it and began to slowly wash my body. It was more of a ‘squeeze-the-bubbles-on-my-body-and-let-them-trail-south’ wash. I was still limited with my movements. Music started to play, and Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” rang through the bathroom.

  “Don’t mind me,” Blake yelled out. “I thought music would help fill the silence and make you feel more comfortable with me being in here.”

  “I’m more than comfortable with you being in here. I know we still have a lot to talk about it, but the truth is, just having you here feels right. Shit,” I cursed when I dropped the shampoo.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I just dropped the shampoo.” I didn’t really need to wash my hair, as there wasn’t much yet, but it was nice to feel like a girl again and scrub my head. I was kicking at it on the floor when the shower door opened and Blake stepped in to pick up the bottle.

  “Tilt your head back and get it wet,” he instructed as he poured a small amount of shampoo in his hands. “Turn around.” I did as he told me, and he proceeded to wash the baby soft and barely there pixie hair that was slowly growing in. It didn’t take much to wash it, but Blake took his time and gave me a heavenly scalp massage.

  He shut off the shower and stepped out to grab my towel and then proceeded to dry me off. Surprisingly, he didn’t get very wet attending to me. After helping me into my panties and zipper sport bra, he fetched a T-shirt and a pair of leggings from my closet.

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m glad I showed up when I did. Next time make sure someone’s here. Okay?”

  “You got it. I’d like to get some fresh air. Jen put the furniture out on the front porch the other day. Do you want to sit out there with me? The sun hits it perfectly, and I could use a dose of sunshine.”

  “We could all use a dose of sunshine after the long winter. Do you have a glass of water? You need to stay hydrated.”

  “Yep. It’s on the coffee table, next to the picture you sent.” I smiled as I walked out of the bedroom and downstairs. “I’ll meet you out front.”

  I was sitting in one of the cushioned captain’s chairs when Blake stepped out. He had two glasses of ice water with lemon slices. “I figured you could use a little bit of flavor.”

  “Thanks again,” I replied as he sat in the chair next to me.

  “So, how have you been?” Blake asked before lifting his glass to his lips. Oh, those lips.

  “I’ve been better . . . and I’ve been worse.” My nerves started to kick in. “Just when I thought my life was starting to make sense again, the rug was yanked out from under me. It was a horrible and helpless feeling, and I thought I needed to find solitude to cope.”

  “Running away will get you nowhere and will only frustrate you more.”

  “Yeah, I learned that one the hard way.”

  “You didn’t need to. I know you have your friends, but sometimes you need someone else. Someone outside of that circle who understands you. I thought that was me.”

  “It was . . . I mean, it is. I just didn’t know it at the time. I was so overwhelmed with everything going on. It was selfish of me to try and protect you by blocking you out—I see that now—and for that, I’ll forever be sorry. All I wanted to do was shield you from the possibility of losing another person you care about to breast cancer.”

  “I’m a grown man, and I’m perfectly capable of dealing with whatever life throws at me. You and I both know that life is unpredictable, but I want to be by your side when the unpredictable happens. I’m not afraid of what the future holds, because I know life will guide me to where I need to be. I have no expectations—only dreams—and you’re part of my dreams. Just the thought of you makes me smile.” His eyes searched my face, and he continued, “Will you let me back in?”

  My heart leapt in my chest. “Yes. I’ve been miserable and lost without you. Fear is not my friend, and I let it dictate my actions for the last several weeks . . .” I felt a zing of pain in my right breast that caught my breath. “Ouch.”

  “Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. What you’re feeling is the nerves starting to wake up. It affects some people more than others and is normal. Just breathe through it.”

  I did as he requested and closed my eyes to focus on my breathing so I could calm myself down. I felt a few more sharp zaps and then they stopped.

  “When was the last time you had meds?”

  “A few hours ago. I should maybe take something.” I slowly scooted forward to get up from my chair and go inside to get my meds.

  Blake placed his hand on mine. “Stay put, I’ll go get them. Do you need something to eat with them?”

  “Could you grab me some Goldfish crackers?” I asked sheepishly.

  “You bet.” He smiled and disappeared inside.

  I sat quietly, trying to focus on keeping calm, but damn, those sharp little stabbing pains brought me to tears.

  “It’s okay. I promise,” Blake comforted me as he crouched down to hand me my meds. “Here.” After I swallowed the pill, he handed me the bowl of crackers. “Do you want to stay out here or go inside?”

  “I think I need to go inside. I’m not feeling all that good right now.”

  “Let me help you up.” He carefully reached down and helped me to my feet.

  “Thank you. I’d like to continue our conversation inside, if that’s okay?”

  “Perfectly fine with me.”

  Once I was settled on the sofa with two new ice packs, Blake sat on the coffee table and began rubbing my feet. “You don’t have to do that,” I said.

  “I know I don’t, but there are pressure points in your feet that can help you relax.” He smiled. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m a doctor, and, believe it or not, I studied these things.”

  That made me laugh out loud . . . hard.

  “I missed that sound. . . . I missed a lot of things about you.”

  “I missed you, too.” I revealed as I started to relax. “I meant what I said before surgery. The timing wasn’t perfect, but I needed you to know that I’ve fallen for you, and I couldn’t go into surgery without you knowing that.”

  “And I meant what I said—that I’ll catch you. I know we didn’t meet in the most conventional way and that there were a lot of circumstances that led to us being right here, right now. You need to know, though, that I’ve loved you for a while, and as hard as it was to let you go, I knew I needed to. Thank you for coming back.”

  “Thank you for waiting for me. It wasn’t easy to get to this point, but I finally made it. I can honestly say that I’m in love with you.” Happy tears began to flood my eyes. “I’d kiss you right now, but I’m afraid to move.”

  “No worries, I’ve got this.” He set my foot down and leaned in to give me a kiss that quickly reminded me how much I missed the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Oh, those lips.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I AM TRANSFORMING

  It had been two weeks since surgery, and I was feeling better every day. Bobbie Jo was adamant that it was time to show off the “new girls,” as my friends were now referring to them, and invited me for lunch with the girls. Dana had to back out at the last minute when she was called to L.A. for an emergency. It was rough being a talent agent and having to fly out on short notice to scope out new male talent for a men’s clothing line. Dream job indeed.

  We decided to try out a new tavern that had been getting rave reviews. I had heard their lobster mac-and-cheese was to die for, and I couldn’t wait to try it. When I arrived, Jen and Bobbie Jo were both already seated at a high-top table in the bar area and were deep in discussion about something apparently juicy, since Bobbie Jo’s mouth was hanging wide open and her eyes were bugging out of her head.

  “Hey.” I stepped up to the t
able. “Looks like some good gossip started without me.”

  Jen quickly stopped what she was saying. “Hey, I didn’t know you were here already.”

  I looked down at my watch. “You asked to meet you at twelve-thirty, right? Or did I mess up the time?”

  Bobbie Jo quickly chimed in, “That’s what I told you. Guess we just got here a little early. Come sit by me.” She pulled out the chair next to her.

  Jen whistled. “Would you look at those? I haven’t seen your new girls in anything other than baggy T-shirts or sweatshirts. They look fabulous and so do you.”

  As I stared at my closet that morning, I decided it was time to start feeling good again. No more lounging around in oversized slob clothes. I was a little frightened about my jeans being snug, but they were just fine, so I paired them with a lightweight cardigan set. To top it off, I tied one of my scarves around my head like a headband; I was so proud of having a little bit of hair again, I wanted to show it off. “Thanks.” I smiled.

  The server approached our table. “What can I get for you?” she asked. I looked to see Jen and Bobbie Jo had already ordered a round of cocktails, but I decided to be smart since I hadn’t had alcohol since before surgery. “I’ll take a raspberry iced tea, if you have it.”

  “Sure thing.” She nodded to the almost empty glasses on the table. “Another round for you two?”

  “You bet,” Bobbie Jo replied. “And we’ll start with the beer cheese fondue.”

  “I’ll get that put in right away.”

  “Another round?” I asked. “How long have you been here?”

  “About forty-five minutes,” Jen replied. “I know how busy it can get, so I got here early to put our name in, and they had a table available. Bobbie Jo had the same idea and showed up about ten minutes after me.”

  “I see.” Our server returned with our drinks.

  “To a brand new set of sizzle tits.” Bobbie Jo raised her glass to toast. Cheers.

  After I set my glass down, my curiosity made an appearance. “So, what were you two talking about when I arrived? I haven’t seen a look like that on Bobbie Jo’s face in quite some time—must’ve been good.”

  “You have no idea.” Bobbie Jo looked directly across the table at Jen who was quickly guzzling her beverage.

  “Enlighten me then.” I turned my attention to my blonde best friend who had a guilt-ridden look on her face.

  “No,” Jen snapped defensively. “And I don’t think this is the time or place to discuss it.”

  “Well, I do,” I clipped. “What did you do?”

  “I didn’t do a damn thing, other than be an innocent bystander to something that only happens on a trashy afternoon talk show.”

  “I’m afraid to ask. What is it?” I asked while my stomach started churning bile.

  Bobbie Jo reached for my hand. “Good thing you’re sitting. You might need a drink after this.”

  “You’re both scaring the shit out of me. Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” I gritted through my teeth so as not to make a scene, even though the tavern was loud as hell, and I doubt anyone was paying us any attention.

  “I was out for a run around the lake yesterday and overheard a shouting match between a man and a woman who were hidden behind a patch of trees. I slowed down out of concern for the woman. It sounded like a domestic situation, and I wasn’t going to let her get hurt, so I carefully moved closer to hear the conversation. . . .”

  “You’re a whore!” the man yelled. “A goddamn fucking whore.”

  “How dare you call me that!” she shouted back. “I’m carrying your baby. Your baby! We’re getting married in a few months and starting our family together.”

  “Bullshit! That’s not my child.”

  “What the hell? Yes, it is. Who else would it belong to?”

  “I have no fucking clue. But it’s not mine . . . I’m sterile.”

  Silence.

  “What?” the woman asked with a shaky voice.

  “I can’t have children. That’s how I know it’s not my child.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing. Someone tipped me off that you were pregnant, so I did some research, since I knew it wasn’t mine. I’ve gone my whole life without anyone other than my parents knowing, and I never intended to admit it, but you left me no choice. Even my ex-wife didn’t know. I played along with the idea of having a family to keep her happy, but I knew, physically, it wasn’t possible. You forced me to admit my secret, one that was nobody’s business but mine.”

  Silence.

  “You’re sterile?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is that why you left on a business trip so suddenly a few weeks ago?”

  “You’re catching on. Don’t you find it unusual that I was gone so long and just got home?”

  “Kind of,” she admitted. “Where did you go?”

  “I didn’t go anywhere. I was here, watching. Watching your every move. When I saw you walk into a medical building with another man, I found it odd, but then when I saw you leave thirty minutes later with a smile on your face and ultrasound picture in your hand, I knew. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out, Stacey? Were you going to pass this child off as mine forever? Were you? I want you out of my condo in three days. I’m sure your lover has room for you and his spawn. I don’t want to see or hear from you ever again. You disgust me.”

  “It’s not what you think. It was a mistake. Please Noah, please just wait . . .” she sobbed.

  “I saw Noah step out from the dense wooded area with a murderous look on his face. I froze and prayed he wouldn’t turn my direction and see me, and thankfully he didn’t. When I knew he was off in the distance, I turned around and ran back to my car.”

  “He’s sterile?” I asked in complete shock. Who the fuck cared about Stacey—she deserved it—but Noah had lied to me all those years about wanting a family. “The day he left me, he was adamant that part of why he was leaving was because he wanted to start a family. He proposed to Stacey, I saw the ring on her finger. Was that all a farce? How is that possible? Are you sure you heard that right?”

  “Positive, Honey.” Jen looked horrible after telling me what she’d overheard. “I wish I hadn’t been there and heard everything, but I did, and I was planning to tell you, just not right now. I’m so sorry, Victoria.”

  “Babe, it’s going to be okay.” Bobbie Jo squeezed my hand. “Stacey got what she deserved. She didn’t win.”

  “I didn’t either. Instead I found out how deceitful and manipulative my ex-husband really is. I feel like I was a pawn in his game of life and the last ten years were a complete sham. I’m so angry right now. He cheated on me and left me for another woman, but what hurts the most is that he lied to me for our entire marriage about having a family. He was my husband—how did I not know he was sterile? I was on the pill because we were waiting until the time was right. Waiting for what? It was never going to happen.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Jen answered. “Noah has some serious issues, and I’m pretty sure they’re the result of his messed-up childhood. You loved him, and by loving him, you unknowingly became his victim. You’re a good person, and he used that to his advantage . . . to be in control and take what he wanted. It has always been about him.”

  “He’s an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. Literally,” I declared as the server brought our appetizer to the table.

  “Are you ready to order, or do you need a few more minutes?”

  “I’ll take the lobster mac-and-cheese, please. And a Stella on tap with three olives.” I looked over at Bobbie Jo and Jen, who both had puzzled looks on their faces.

  “And for you, miss?” The waitress looked up at Bobbie Jo after writing down my order.

  Bobbie Jo quickly looked down at the menu. “I guess I’ll have the chili burger.”

  “I’d like the grilled shrimp salad with the dressing on the side, please.” Jen handed the menus to the server.

  “Coming right up.
”

  “We’re still having lunch?” Bobbie Jo asked with a surprised tone as the waitress disappeared.

  “Yes. I came to have lunch with two of my best friends, and I intend to do just that. Noah’s done ruining my life with his lies and dishonesty. I will not be his victim anymore. He stole over ten years of my life that I’ll never get back. Am I angry that he never told me he was sterile? Hell, yes! Am I going to do something about it? Fuck no! I don’t need or want him in my life anymore. He made his choices—he has to live with them, not me. So, what else is new?”

  They both sat stunned by my response, and to be honest, I had stunned myself too. The meek and vulnerable Victoria was nowhere in sight. I’d transformed into a woman who knew what she wanted and was going to be the one in control. Life wasn’t going to dictate my direction anymore; I was going to dictate my direction and trust that it would lead me to where I was supposed to be.

  “Umm. Well,” Jen stammered. “I met a guy.”

  “What?!” Bobbie Jo shrieked. “When?”

  “A month ago, at the gym. We’re just friends, but we started training together for a half marathon in October. He’s smart, respectful, and he can keep up with me. That’s not an easy task.”

  “No shit. I still can’t keep up with you, and it’s been almost twenty years.”

  “I need a man,” Bobbie Jo sighed in frustration. “I’m getting tired of playing the field. Seeing everything Jillian’s going through, I want to find the right man and settle down again. I need to get my priorities straight and stop acting like a hormonal sorority girl. That’s what led me to my first marriage, and we all know what an epic failure that was.”

  The server returned with my beer. “Screw new boobs. Here’s to finding happiness in our lives.”

  “Amen.” Jen lifted her glass.

  “I’ll drink to that.” Bobbie Jo raised her glass.

  *

  Later that evening, I made a cup of hot mango tea and pondered what to do with the news that was presented to me. It was unfathomable at the time, and I wanted nothing else than to run out on lunch and throw another pity party, but something stopped me. Running away and doubting myself had become my MO over the last several months. While most people commented on how strong I was, those close to me knew I was only a hair away from snapping, which I had come increasingly close to doing on a few occasions.