Beneath It All (Beneath #1) Page 16

  He walked up behind me, and I turned to ask if he wanted me to pack anything for him but stopped when I saw his face. He was pale and looked like he was on the verge of throwing up. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just a little freaked out. I don’t know what to do, and I’m not prepared for what tonight might bring. I feel like things are going to change once we walk out that door, and I’m not even sure what that means.”

  “I’m not prepared either. I’m trying not to freak out, because honestly, it will only make things worse. They will send me home with the meds I’ll need for the nausea, and all we can do is follow their advice. Everyone reacts differently to treatment. All we can do is hope for the best,” I said as I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “Bobbie Jo, Dana, and Jen all said to call if you need help with anything. They can run to the store or pharmacy or just come and sit with me if needed. You’re my husband, not my babysitter, and I don’t expect you to know what to do. We are learning this together.” I squeezed him tighter. “Are you with me?”

  “How are you so damn strong?”

  “I’m not. I’m a good actress and I deserve a goddamn Oscar. Because honestly, I’m scared as hell and don’t want to do this. A part of me wants to ignore what is happening and run the other way, but I can’t. I just can’t.”

  I let out a heavy sigh before continuing: “I need to give this a shot. I committed to doing it, it was an educated choice I made, and I don’t go back on my word. I’ll give it all I’ve got, and when I’ve got nothing left to give, I know that you and the people I love will give me the strength I need to keep going. Right now I’m strong because I know everyone else is weak with worry. I need to go in with a positive attitude and a smile on my face.”

  I noticed that his eyes were slightly glossy looking before he turned toward the door to the garage. I grabbed my snack bag, a bottle of water, and my jacket and headed toward the door and whispered to myself, “Let’s do this.”

  *

  We arrived at the clinic with ten minutes to spare before my appointment. I decided to make use of the little kitchen area and made myself a cup of hot chocolate while Noah opted for coffee. We had no idea what the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours would be like, and I was sure that he was prepared to be up all night.

  “Victoria Madison.”

  Noah and I stood and approached the woman.

  “My name is Margaret, and I’ll be your primary nurse. It’s nice to meet you,” she said as she led us into a treatment room with a hospital bed, a recliner-like chair, and two regular chairs. “Have a seat wherever you will be most comfortable.”

  I looked at my options and opted for the recliner, and Noah slid into one of the standard chairs.

  She flipped open my chart. “Your labs look great, so we can go ahead with today’s scheduled treatment. It will be a combination of the two drugs in the treatment packet Dr. Guthrie gave you. The first drug, doxorubicin, will be administered by me personally through a push injection rather than an IV drip. I’ll be injecting two large syringes of it slowly into your veins so I can monitor you for an allergic reaction. It’s red in color and has earned the name the Red Devil, but it is the most effective in treating breast cancer. Do you have any questions so far?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

  “After the push infusion is complete, I’ll start an IV drip of cyclophosphamide. This drug breaks down the DNA in the cancer cells. It also affects normal cells and is the drug that will cause your hair to fall out. However, you shouldn’t see any major hair loss until after your second treatment. I would like to get you a dose of Zofran before we start; it’s the most effective anti-nausea medicine we use, and if we can get started on a dose right now, then we will be ahead of the game. How does that sound?”

  “Sounds good to me—the more stocked up my system is against getting sick, the better I feel about doing this. I’d like to avoid spending my night praying to the porcelain god. There is nothing appealing about that.”

  Margaret let out a laugh. “Agreed. Dr. R. will send you home with a few prescriptions, including more Zofran, Compazine, and Decadron for nausea. She also wants you to stop into the infusion lab at the hospital for a Neulasta injection tomorrow. It will help to stimulate the growth of new and healthy white blood cells in your bone marrow. It will help build your immune system back up and fight infection. We encourage you to drink lots of fluids the first forty-eight hours to flush your system as quickly as possible. I’m going to go prepare your ‘cocktail,’ and we’ll start when I return.

  “By ‘cocktail,’ you mean a beverage, correct?” I attempted to joke with a hopeful smile, knowing that was not what she meant.

  “I wish it was, but sadly I only have my nursing license and not a bartender license,” she said with a smile before stepping out of the room.

  “You ready to do this?” Noah asked, trying to sound encouraging, even though I knew deep down he was just as freaked out as I was.

  “As ready as I’m going to be,” I said nervously, trying to stay calm. “What are our movie choices?”

  “How about 50 First Dates? A little Sandler and Barrymore to pass the time?”

  “Excellent choice. Get it queued up, and let’s forget why we are here.”

  “You got it.” He started the movie on his tablet just as Margaret walked back into the room with a tray. It consisted of an IV needle and tubing, the two red vials of the so-called Red Devil, a large IV bag and two smaller vials of what I’m assuming were anti-nausea meds. She set the tray down on a cart and rolled it over next to my chair.

  She pulled a rolling chair over next to me. “Let’s see what we have to work with. Can you roll up your sleeves for me or take off your jacket?”

  “What would be easier?”

  “It would be easier if you could take off your jacket. If you’re chilled, I can get you a warm blanket.” I nodded my head in agreement and started removing my jacket as she went to get a blanket.

  “Here you go,” she said as she laid the blanket out over me and resumed her spot facing me. She tied a large band tourniquet around my right arm and started tapping down my arm to find a viable vein to attack. “Perfect.”

  She reached for an alcohol swab and gently wiped the area clean before gripping the IV needle. I turned to look at Noah who was glued to the screen of his tablet to avoid looking. Smart man.

  “You might feel slight stinging, but it should go away fairly quickly once the needle is in place. Take a deep breath . . . here goes.”

  I took a deep breath and slowly let it out while focusing on the movie. I felt a pinch and then a slow burn followed by a cold feeling in my vein. She released the tourniquet, and I relaxed.

  “You did great. I ran a quick flush and gave you a dose of Zofran to help keep the nausea at bay. I’m going to start the first vial of doxorubicin. If you start feeling hot, dizzy, or have difficulty breathing, we will stop the infusion immediately. Okay?”

  “Yes. I’ll let you know.” I tried my best to stay calm. It wasn’t very comforting to hear a medical professional tell you they will stop poisoning you immediately if you start feeling hot, dizzy, or have difficulty breathing. Isn’t that how people typically feel at a doctor’s office?

  My discomfort in the situation was easily spotted by Noah, and he reached for my left hand and gave it a squeeze. I looked up at his concerned face, and he gave me a wink and a small smile before he mouthed, “I love you.”

  I mouthed “Ditto” back at him, and he squeezed my hand one more time and turned his attention back to the movie, as did I.

  “We’re done with the first part, and you did a great job,” Margaret said with a reassuring smile. “I’m going to get the cyclophosphamide going. It will take around two hours. Can I get you anything before I step out?”

  “No, thank you. I brought a few snacks, and I should be okay.”

  She reached over to the hospital bed and pulled over
a remote. “If you need anything, just push the ‘nurse’ button, and I’ll be right in. I’ve got two other patients right now, so it might take a minute or two to respond if I’m in with them.”

  “I will.” With that, she left the room, and Noah and I watched the movie, sharing a few laughs and the bag of pretzels I brought.

  The time passed quickly, and she was back in my room removing my IV and placing a cotton ball and Band-Aid over the area. She handed a few prescription sheets to Noah. “These are the prescriptions I told you about earlier. I suggest you get them filled on your way home so you have them ready when needed. If you can stay ahead of the nausea, it makes all the difference. Once it hits, it can hit hard, and it’s difficult to play ‘catch up’ with the drugs.”

  “Other than being a little light-headed, I’m actually feeling pretty good. I don’t feel nauseated at all.”

  “Let’s keep it that way,” Noah said as he tucked the slips of paper into his jacket pocket. “I’ll drop them off at the pharmacy on our drive home. We’ll get you settled and have some dinner, and then I’ll go pick them up.”

  “Just don’t forget to pick them up. You want to be sure to stay on top of it,” Margaret warned.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said as I stood up slowly. Noah placed his hand under my arm to help steady me. I guess he was prepared for me to drop.

  “Don’t forget to stop into the lab for your Neulasta injection tomorrow. It might make you a little achy, but a warm bath can usually help with the discomfort, and it goes away within a day or two. Don’t hesitate to call the office immediately if you have concerns. The nurse line is open twenty-four hours to answer any questions and can put you in contact with Dr. Guthrie if needed. If you have no further questions, you’re free to leave.”

  “I don’t have any. Do you, Noah?” I asked as I headed toward the door. If I didn’t have to stay here any longer, I wasn’t going to. I’d spent enough time in this drab and monochromatic room; I was eager to get home. Taking my cue, he shook his head no and thanked Margaret.

  *

  We arrived home to heavenly smells coming from the kitchen and Bobbie Jo wearing an apron. “Welcome home, sizzle tits! How ya doing?”

  Noah got me settled at the breakfast bar. “Not too bad actually. I feel a little light-headed, almost like I’m a little buzzed.”

  He took the seat to my right. “What are you doing here? I thought you were going to drop off dinner. I didn’t expect to see you.”

  “I wasn’t about to drop off food and not see how she was doing. So I picked up a rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, fresh bread, and Gatorade at the store.”

  She made note of the inquisitive look on my face after the Gatorade remark. “I heard that Gatorade will help keep you hydrated, and if it were me, I’d get bored with water quickly. I hope you like Ice Blue.”

  “Sure, sounds good. I’m hungry . . . is dinner ready?”

  She reached into the oven, which was set on warming, and pulled out three plates and set them down one at a time on the breakfast bar. “Do you mind if I stay?”

  “As long as Victoria is okay with it. It would be nice to have some extra company,” Noah responded before taking a forkful of mashed potatoes.

  “We would love to have you stay for dinner,” I answered back inviting her to sit to my left.

  “Jen wanted to be here, but she was called in for an emergency at work. She is planning to stop over tomorrow if needed.”

  “Great,” Noah said before he sat upright and cussed, “Oh shit!”

  “What?” I said, looking at him questioningly.

  “We forgot to drop of your prescriptions on the drive home. I don’t want to be too late in getting the meds,” he said as he quickly stood up. “I’ll heat up my dinner when I get back. It shouldn’t take too long. Can you stay with her, Bobbie Jo?”

  “Yes, go ahead and do what you need to do. Victoria is in good hands.”

  Noah kissed me on the back of the head as he rushed to the door and was gone. Bobbie Jo and I finished dinner, and she cleaned up the kitchen while I sat and sipped Gatorade.

  “I’m not feeling the best; I think I’m going to go sit in the living room. Come join me when you’re done,” I said as I stood and had to catch myself on the edge of the countertop. “Whoa.”

  Bobbie Jo rushed to my side. “Are you okay?” She took my arm and helped me to the leather chair in the living room. “Can I get you anything? Do you feel like you’re going to be sick?”

  “No, I’m just dizzy and my stomach is a little queasy. I’m sure I’ll be fine if I close my eyes for a bit. They said they loaded me up on anti-nausea meds, so I’m sure this is normal,” I said as my stomach started to churn, and I closed my eyes as tight as I could, trying my best to block it out.

  My body continued to revolt against me. No mercy. I shot out of the chair and ran for the bathroom as fast as I could. I sank to the floor as my body began to tremble from adrenaline and the fear of what was coming next.

  I wasn’t able to hold back and proceeded to see my dinner in reverse. I pinched my eyes shut and reached for the handle to flush. Bobbie Jo sat next to me rubbing my back, not saying a word.

  I spent the next five hours throwing up until there was nothing left but bile and dry heaves. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.

  At some point Noah took over rubbing my back, and they changed me out of my clothes and slid one of his T-shirts onto me. I was now curled up in the fetal position on a towel spread out on the bathroom floor.

  “Sweetheart,” Noah whispered. “You haven’t thrown up for over an hour, and this can’t be comfortable. It’s three o’clock in the morning, and you need to get some sleep. I need to move you to the bed.”

  I grunted my acknowledgment, and he carefully scooped me and carried me into the bedroom. He laid me down, placing the top sheet over me. “Do you want a blanket?”

  My attempt to answer failed; my throat was so raw from all of the acid that had traveled through it that I just shook my head no and frowned. Noah could see my struggle and didn’t ask anything more. He just placed a kiss on my head and left me to pass out.

  I slept sporadically, waking up every few hours. Noah never did come to bed, but I noticed him sitting in the chair in the corner watching over me.

  *

  I woke the next morning in a fog. My mouth was dry and tasted like sewage. I tried to sit up, but my body felt like it was weighted down with sand bags and my head was buzzing. It wasn’t worth the effort to get up, and luckily, I heard Noah’s feet on the floor. He made his way from the chair and sat down on the edge of the bed. I found comfort in his touch as he gently placed his hand on my jaw and his thumb slowly rubbed my cheek.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked in a whisper.

  “Like road kill,” I rasped out, and that was no joke.

  “You really need some fluids. Do you want to sip some water or Gatorade through a straw? How about some crushed ice cubes? I’m worried about you getting dehydrated; you haven’t had anything to drink since eight thirty last night.”

  I could sense his distress over me not having any fluids after vomiting all night. “Ice, please.”

  A few hours later, I was sitting up in bed, which was a small miracle. I had managed to avoid throwing up, but trying to get anything solid in me to eat was nearly impossible. Everything tasted like I was licking a hammer. Honestly, that was the best way to describe the metallic flat taste that wouldn’t go away.

  I was starting to get restless lying around and knew we still needed to go to the hospital to get my white cell booster shot. I wanted to get it over with.

  “Can we go get my shot over with?” I asked while turning to set my feet down on the floor.

  “Are you sure you want to go right now? Shouldn’t you move around the house a little bit first?”

  “I want to go now and get it over with,” I said as I gingerly started to shuffle my feet toward the bathroom. There was no way I was g
oing to attempt a shower, but I needed to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on some deodorant. I looked at myself when I was done and was thankful that I had cut my hair so I didn’t have to contend with it even though it was sticking out in every direction.

  When I stepped back into our room, Noah had my clothes laid out on the bed for me and asked if I wanted some help. I told him no, but when he saw me struggling to get my leg into the leg of my pants he stepped in immediately.

  He pulled me into a hug after I was dressed. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” He paused and I felt like he wanted to say something more profound but couldn’t. He gave me one more gentle squeeze and led me out of our bedroom.

  *

  Noah pulled up in front of the hospital, got out of the car, and walked around to open my door. As I stood, a young girl appeared with a wheelchair and asked if we needed help.

  “Yes, thank you,” Noah said to the girl. “I’m going to go park in the ramp, can you wait for me in the lobby?”

  “Yes, sir. I’ll wait with her until you arrive.” She smiled down at me before pushing me through the front doors. We found a nice place to sit by the front window and the heat of the sunshine felt amazing.

  “Ma’am, can I get you anything while you wait? Coffee, tea, or some water?”

  “Thank you, but no. I’m good right now,” I answered with the best smile I could muster up, but the look on her face told me that she was worried about me. She couldn’t have been more than fourteen or fifteen years old, and I noticed the name Emma was on her name tag.

  “Emma, I had my first chemo session yesterday, and I’m here for a shot to help boost my immune system. I’m feeling crummy, and that’s why I look this way. I’ve been told that I’ll be fine in a few days when it’s out of my system.”

  She nodded her head, telling me she understood, but didn’t say any more.

  “Hey,” Noah said as he jogged toward us. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m good. Emma here was a great babysitter.” She smiled back at me this time, and I could tell that she felt a bit more at ease.