Beneath It All (Beneath #1) Read online

  “I’m okay. The last week has been a roller coaster, but I feel like I’m where I should be and I’m confident in my decision to move forward with chemotherapy,” I blurted out. Why beat around the bush and prolong my decision.

  Dr. Guthrie looked relieved. “I agree completely with your decision, and I’m proud of you for making it. I wasn’t sure—”

  The door flew open, and there stood Noah, looking like he had been mugged. His hair was a mess, his tie was askew, and he was panting. “Are you okay?” I asked as I rushed up to him.

  “Sorry I’m late.” He took a breath and acknowledged Bobbie Jo. “Thank you for staying with her.”

  “You bet. I’m going to slip out so the three of you can talk. Do you want me to wait for you, Victoria?”

  “No, you go on ahead, and I’ll call you tonight. Thank you again, Bobbie Jo.” She stood and gave me a hug before slipping out the door.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked Noah again.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Just took longer than I expected at the courthouse, and it took forever to make my way out of downtown. I couldn’t find a parking spot when I got here, so I parked in the hospital lot and ran across the street dodging cars. I’m sorry.” He smoothed out his hair and did his best to tidy up his appearance before taking the chair Bobbie Jo had just vacated. “What have I missed?”

  “You haven’t missed much,” Dr. Guthrie stated after Noah had settled down. “Victoria just finished telling me that she has decided to move forward with chemotherapy. I’m assuming you were part of the decision?”

  “Yes, we did some research and both agreed that she should move forward with treatment.”

  “That is what I figured. I was about to tell Victoria that I wasn’t sure if she was going to go ahead with it. I saw hesitation on her face last week, but I’m glad you both took the time to talk about it and come to a decision you’re both okay with.” She said the last part while looking at me for confirmation.

  “Yes, I’m good with my decision. So what do we do next?”

  Dr. Guthrie explained the treatment plan she had laid out before signing orders for a chest x-ray and blood work to be done before my first treatment. She wanted to run some baseline tests so that she could refer to them during the treatment cycle if needed.

  Her explanation of what to expect after my first treatment was helpful, but not very reassuring. I could anticipate being extremely fatigued for the first week and would gradually get my strength back. Nausea, as well as issues with certain foods, was to be expected as my taste would be altered due to the meds they would have me on. I was relieved to hear that my hair wouldn’t fall out right away—most likely a few weeks later.

  “Please stop at the front desk on your way out to get your first treatment scheduled. They will also take care of scheduling your appointments with imaging and the lab.” She closed my file, and we all stood, as it was time to leave. “Everything is going to be okay, kiddo. You’re doing the right thing.”

  “I hope so. I’m nervous and relieved. I just want this over,” I confessed.

  She leaned in to give me a hug. “I know you do. Hang in there. I’ll see you next week.”

  Noah grabbed my hand as we walked to the scheduling desk. “I’m sorry for being late, baby. It won’t happen again.”

  “I know you’re sorry and it was out of your control. I’m just happy you’re okay; I was really worried about you.”

  He pulled me to his side and put his arm around me. “I promise to never make you worry again. You have enough on your plate.” He placed a kiss on my head as we rounded the corner to the scheduling desk.

  *

  The weekend was uneventful, and I found myself sitting in the study on Monday, looking at the calendar for the week ahead. Tuesday was my post-op appointment with Dr. Forrester, followed by x-rays and labs on Wednesday, and my first chemo treatment on Friday. I had also scheduled an appointment with my stylist for a haircut on Thursday.

  Dr. Guthrie explained that my hair wouldn’t start falling out until after my second round of chemo, but I wanted to do this on my terms. My hair was currently past my shoulders, and I was planning to make a drastic change and go for a short pixie cut. I figured this way, when it started falling out, it wouldn’t be as dramatic. I was looking through short hairstyles when my phone rang and I saw it was my parents on the caller ID.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, stranger. Your mother is concerned since we haven’t heard from you this weekend. Is everything okay?”

  “Sorry, Dad. Yes, everything is okay. I guess time just got away from me and I forgot to call.” I sighed in exasperation. I can never win. “I’m just going over my schedule for the week ahead, and it’s full of tests and doctors’ appointments, plus I start chemo on Friday. I guess I’m focused on that right now.”

  “That’s what your mother told me after your quick call on Friday evening. How are you feeling about it? Are you ready?”

  I slumped down in the chair and gave the canned speech I had already used over a dozen times to friends. “I’m good and I know it’s the right decision. It won’t be easy, but I’m up for the fight and will beat this.”

  “That’s my girl—go get ’em! Mom and I were talking, and we’re still planning to head down to Gulf Shores for the winter after the New Year.”

  “Wow, I totally forgot you were heading there again this year. I know how much you and Mom enjoy the escape.”

  “Yeah, we do. The older we get, the harder Minnesota winter is on us. Plus we’ve made so many friends down there over the years, and it feels like home.” He hesitated for a moment before getting down to the real reason for his call. “Your mom doesn’t want to go this year. She is worried about you and doesn’t want you to feel like we’re abandoning you by going south for a few months. I was hoping you could call her tonight and give her some peace of mind.”

  “Really?” I asked. “That’s surprising—she loves it down there.”

  “She really does, and it would be good for her right now. She obsessively searches the Internet about breast cancer and refuses to go out to lunch with friends anymore. We’re both worried about you, but she is taking it to an extreme, and she needs a distraction right now. The benefit of Gulf Shores is we will have limited Internet, lots of friends for her to visit with, and activities to keep her busy outside.”

  “Sure, I understand. I’ll call her tonight.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart. It means a lot to me. I know this isn’t easy for you, and I’m sorry to ask this of you. I’m just really concerned about her, and I know we can’t do much from afar and the escape would help her.” He rambled on, trying to make an excuse for asking me to help him.

  “Dad, I understand, and I’ll call her tonight and tell her to go. I don’t need the two of you suffocating me by being overly concerned. I’m a grown woman, and I can handle this,” I snapped. I immediately felt guilty for lashing out at my poor father who had done nothing but love and protect me my entire life.

  “I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean for that to sound the way it did,” I said with a shaky voice as a soft cry escaped my throat.

  “Victoria, you don’t have to be sorry. I know you’re under a lot of pressure right now, and I didn’t mean to upset you. . . I shouldn’t have asked this of you,” he said. The regret in his voice was evident.

  “I’m terrified, Dad, completely and utterly terrified. I don’t know who I am anymore. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m annoyed and tearing the heads off the people I love. What is that?”

  “It’s called being human. You’re under an extreme amount of stress right now and have every reason to be terrified and lose your temper. I would be worried if you didn’t. I raised a strong little girl who never sat and cried when she fell down; she would brush herself off and stand back up and try again. She got even more determined as she grew up and would never give up. I don’t see her ever giving up. I see her conquering things she never imagined, and I’
m extremely proud of her.” His voice cracked at that last part, and my heart split in two.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled myself together. “I love you, Daddy. Thank you for being my hero and my rock since the day you and Mom signed the papers making me yours. I’m truly blessed that I found my way to you. I won’t let you down, and I’ll continue to be that strong little girl you raised. Thank you for giving me strength when I needed it. Go ahead and start packing. I’ll call Mom tonight.”

  “I love you, baby girl, and thank you for putting up with your old man. You’re such an amazing woman, and we are so proud of you! I’ll make sure Mom answers when you call later. Bye.”

  “Bye, Dad.” I ended the call and started sobbing again. This was becoming a daily occurrence, and it freaked me out. I got up and ran for the bathroom.

  I stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the shower without letting it warm up. The cold water was a welcome shock to my system. The tears continued as I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself before sinking down along the tile wall to the shower floor.

  The shower had become my private refuge from the world around me. I didn’t have to be strong. I could curl up in a ball and cry without judgment or pity. It was my personal hell.

  The water was running hot when I heard someone yelling my name. “Victoria! Where the hell are you?”

  I heard the bathroom door swing open, followed by the shower door, and looked up to find Jen’s concerned eyes on me. She grabbed a towel before she stepped into the shower fully clothed and turned off the water.

  “Victoria, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asked as she wrapped me up in the towel and helped me get up and moved over onto the shower bench. I sat there with nothing to say. I wasn’t okay and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I had just snapped at my dad and felt completely out of control for the first time in my life. I couldn’t control anything, and that scared the shit out of me.

  Jen crouched down in front of me. “Look at me.” I obeyed and looked into her blue eyes that were full of worry. “What’s going on? You missed our lunch date, and that’s not like you.”

  “Who am I?” I asked point blank.

  “What?”

  “Who am I? Honestly, Jen. Tell me who I am, because right now I have no fucking clue, and it scares the hell out of me.”

  “Oh honey, stop.” She took my hands in hers. “You’re Victoria Madison. The girl I met in junior high because of a boy. The girl who spent the summer with me at the pool. The girl who let me numb her ears with a frozen can of juice concentrate before double piercing her ears. The girl who made me laugh until I spit my drink out and the girl who knew when I needed a hug the most. And most recently the first girl I’ve ever stood in the shower with . . . thank god I’m clothed, or it might look suspicious.” She winked and smiled, encouraging me to get up. “Let’s get you dried off and dressed. We will continue this conversation in the family room. I’m starving and picked up pizza and beer.”

  “What is it with you and Bobbie Jo?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked, totally confused.

  “The two of you have this insane way of making me smile during the shittiest times.”

  “It’s our job as your best friends.” She nudged my shoulder to move me out of the shower. “I learned from the best—you. You never let me enjoy my pity parties and you constantly crashed them. I felt like being a party crasher today.”

  “Sorry to say, but it doesn’t appear that you will get to motorboat me right now. Maybe in a few months you could come back?” I giggled as I stepped out of the shower.

  “There’s my girl! Pulling movie scenes like a champion, even though it was Wedding Crashers, the motorboat comment was classic.” She smacked my ass. “Get dried off and dressed. I’m going to heat up the pizza and toss in a chick flick—any requests?”

  “The Sweetest Thing. I could use a dose of Cameron, Christina, Selma, and a tinfoil chicken.” I smiled. “Did you know that singing helps open your throat if something gets stuck?!”

  “And the smartass is back as well. Now hurry the hell up! I’m hungry!” Jen barked as she walked out of the bathroom.

  I looked at my haggard self in the mirror. The mood swings were out of control, and I was seriously starting to question my sanity. Bobbie Jo and Jen had already earned their halos for putting up with me.

  *

  Jen and I stuffed our faces and drank beer while watching the movie. I forgot how much I loved it; it reminded me of the road trip we took after high school graduation. Granted, it wasn’t as crazy because we were only eighteen, but it was a girl road trip nonetheless.

  “Do you remember the weekend we drove up to your grandparents’ cabin the summer I came back from college?”

  “How could I forget? Remember when we lost our anchor and floated across the bay to Camp Courage? We woke up to kids trying to dive bomb us off their dock.”

  I snorted. “We swam so fast back to the dock that I’m pretty sure we might have won a medal in the Olympics.”

  “We definitely hauled ass. That was a fun trip. Can you imagine if we went now? We’d get in so much trouble. We were fairly tame back then.”

  “What did you expect? We were young.”

  “It was our first trip without a chaperone, and we should have torn it up at the resort next door,” she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “We could have totally landed a boy or two easily.”

  “Yes, but I had just started dating Noah. You could have landed a boy or two.” I took a long sip of my beer, regretting mentioning that.

  “Correct, but you didn’t have a ring on your finger, and we could have had a little fun flirting. We were young, and you know I wouldn’t have let you do anything you’d regret. I’ve always had your back and best intentions in mind.”

  “I know. You have been a tried and true friend through everything. I love you, Jen.”

  “Love you too, sweets, but don’t you dare cry again! I’m done with tears for the day.” She polished off her beer and started cleaning up the pizza box and empty bottles. “I’ve got some errands to run before going home. Do you want me to stay until Noah gets home?”

  “No, I’m good. You go ahead. He’s been working long hours lately with a new case.” I shrugged. “He said he might have to do some traveling over the next few months. Normally I would go with him, but with being in the midst of treatment, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Any chance you’d be willing to go to a few treatments with me?”

  “Of course, send me the dates and I’m all yours!”

  “Thanks, Jen. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” We hugged before she left, and when the door clicked shut, it was silent. I dropped back down on the sofa and started surfing the movie channels for another movie and picked You’ve Got Mail. After making a bowl of popcorn and grabbing my favorite blanket, I settled in and waited for Noah.

  Several hours later, I awoke to strong arms carrying me from the sofa to our bed. I’m not sure what time it was, but it was dark and I noticed that Noah was still in his suit as he laid me in our bed. He placed a kiss on my temple. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart. I’m home and you can sleep peacefully.”

  He quietly stepped into the closet and took off his suit before slipping into the bathroom and starting the shower. It must have been another long day.

  Chapter Ten

  I AM STRONG

  I felt surprisingly relaxed while flipping through a stack of magazines as I sat in Dr. Forrester’s waiting room. Noah had come with me to the appointment, but he had just received a phone call when Elizabeth called my name. He nodded for me to go ahead without him.

  I followed Elizabeth into the room and chatted for a few minutes before assuming my position on the exam table with my pink gown open in the front. I grabbed the new issue of Real Simple magazine I had snagged on my way back to the room. I was absorbed in an article and barely heard the knock on the door when Dr. Forrester appeared with a warm smile.

>   “Good afternoon. How are you doing today?” he asked as he sat down and studied my chart.

  “Better.”

  His head was still down. “That is good to hear. The drain areas are feeling good? No swelling or discomfort?”

  “Not really, but they are starting to itch.”

  “Are you still using bacitracin on your incisions?” He was still focused on my chart and hadn’t looked up yet.

  “Yes, I am. They are softening up, but it still feels lumpy in spots.”

  “That’s normal,” he said when he finally looked back up at me then looked around. “Did you drive yourself today?”

  “No, Noah is out in the waiting area. He got a call when Elizabeth called me back and nodded for me to go ahead without him.” I felt the strange need to explain more because he was giving me a peculiar look. “He was assigned a new case a few weeks ago and has been working a lot.”

  I tried not to appear affected, but it was getting harder. I was used to him being gone and traveling, but it felt different lately. I contributed it to the fact that I felt so damaged, broken, and needy.

  “Do you want to wait for him?”

  “No, that’s okay. Not much for him to do anyway.”

  “Well, then, let me call Elizabeth in, and we’ll take a peek.” Dr. Forrester exited the room and came back a few moments later with Elizabeth trailing behind. She was always present for exams, I’m assuming because he was a male physician and needed to cover his ass in case some psycho tried to sue him for harassment.

  He stepped over to the sink to wash his hands. “Let’s see how things are healing up, shall we?”

  “I guess.” He helped me lie back on the table, and I opened my gown and let out a deep sigh.

  Dr. Forrester’s hands were cool as he studied his work. He pressed his hand along the top of my chest where the expanders were and seemed pleased with whatever he was feeling for. Moving his hands along both incision lines, he stopped a few times and felt the area more intently. He gave me a gentle smile. “Everything looks great and is healing very nicely. Can you lift your arms up over your head for me?”