Beneath, You're Beautiful Page 12

  When I turned back around to get the bowl, I noticed Blake leaning against the wall in the doorway, watching me with humor dancing in his eyes. “As a child, I dreamt of finding Wonder Woman dancing provocatively in my kitchen while making dinner. Guess they’re right when they say to never give up on your dreams.” He smirked as he pushed off the wall. “You look hot. Don’t let me stop you.”

  He grabbed a bottle of sparkling water and perched himself on a stool. “What are you making anyway?”

  “German pancakes. A friend and I used to make them growing up. They’re the perfect mix of sweet and salty with the butter and syrup combo . . . and can make a very sticky mess.”

  “A sticky Wonder Woman? Wow. This just keeps getting better.”

  I placed the pans back in the oven to bake and put the bowl in the sink to soak. “So Doc McHottie has a thing for Wonder Woman, huh?” I taunted him while wiping my hands on a kitchen towel.

  “Doc McHottie has a thing for the Wonder Woman that was dancing in his kitchen a few moments ago. I didn’t know you liked dancing.”

  “Yeah, I do love dancing. When the right beat gets me going, it’s hard to stop, and this song is the perfect theme song for me right now. I’d like to think if it as my new anthem.”

  “It’s very fitting.” He smiled as he looked at the cluttered counter. “Do you need help with anything?”

  “Nope. I’m good. Just need to clean up this mess. Dinner should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

  “Great. I’m going to go check my messages and will be right back.”

  “Got it!” I started washing the mixing bowl.

  When Blake returned for dinner, he was wearing a pair of black boxer briefs and a white T-shirt. “I figured I was a bit over dressed. It is breakfast after all. We should be wearing our pajamas.”

  “I love it. If I had hair, it would be a ratted mess. We can pretend.” I giggled.

  “I noticed that you never really had issues with the bald look. I like that.”

  “Nope. It’s just hair and will come back. However, the looks I got in public sometimes really messed with me. I tried to seem strong and not care, but every once in a while, it would bother me. I’m actually anxious for it to come back.”

  “I’m sure you are. Typically it takes about two to three months after your last treatment to start seeing some growth, and when it comes back, it’s baby fine, or so I’ve noticed.”

  “Really? It takes that long?” I guess I had never thought to ask and just assumed it would start growing again right away. My mistake.

  “Generally, yes. I hope I didn’t upset you.”

  “No, you didn’t. I guess I should have asked my oncologist about it, but it didn’t occur to me that it would take some time. Oh well. At least I’m done with chemo,” I responded as the timer went off on the oven.

  I pulled two large, fluffy pancakes out and put them on hot pads before reaching for the syrup to pour in the middle. “Do you mind eating at the counter?”

  “Not at all.”

  I picked up the first pancake and turned to place it in front of Blake. “Holy crap, look at that thing!” He marveled. “How do I eat it?”

  “With your fingers.” I smiled at his confusion. I leaned over and tore off a part of the edge and dipped it into the syrup before lifting it up to his mouth. “Open.” He did, and I put the piece of syrupy pancake into his mouth as he shut his lips around my fingers.

  I slowly pulled them out as his eyes rolled up to the ceiling. “Mmm. This is amazing!” He reached for an edge and repeated my actions, lifting the piece to my mouth. “Open.”

  When I leaned forward to take a bite, he ran the sticky syrup along my lips and stood up so he could lean across the counter to lick my lips clean. “Now that’s even better.” He smiled, more than pleased with himself.

  “So dinner is turning into a food porn session tonight?”

  “That could be arranged. But another time—we should eat this while it’s still hot. Do you want to share this one with me, or do you need your own?”

  “We can share. Oh! I was going to make bacon to go with it,” I responded, heading toward the fridge.

  “Forget the bacon. If you don’t sit down right now I’m going to devour this entire thing, plus the one sitting on the stovetop,” he forewarned before taking a huge bite of the pancake. The flirty sparkle in his eyes would be my undoing.

  Screw the bacon.

  “Not so fast.” I reached over to grab a corner of the pancake and swiped it through the syrup. “This one isn’t going to last very long.” I opened the silverware drawer and pulled out two forks and placed them on the counter before grabbing the other pancake and sitting down on the stool next to Blake. “Pass the syrup, please.”

  We sat together eating breakfast for dinner in our skivvies and sharing stories from our college days. It was hard to come up with stories that didn’t include Noah, because he was a big part of my life back then. I told him about my trip to Jamaica with Dana and our love of reggae music. He told me about his trips to the Cayman Islands, where he learned to dive. We discussed taking a warm weather vacation when reconstruction was done and I was ready for a sunny and relaxing escape.

  Together, we cleaned up the kitchen before collapsing on the sofa in front of the fire. The conversation continued, but yawns quickly took over for both of us. It had been an emotional day, and we both proceeded to pass out. I woke a few hours later to Blake carrying me to bed. “Good night, Wonder Woman,” Blake whispered as he laid me down on the bed before climbing in next to me.

  He tucked me in close to his body and wrapped his arms tight around me. “Sweet dreams, Love.”

  “I’m falling.” I whispered.

  “No, you’re not. You’re safe in bed,” he reassured me.

  “I think I’m falling . . .”—I turned to snuggle into his chest—“. . . in love with you.”

  “I’m here to catch you when you do.” He kissed my head as I drifted back to sleep. “I’ve already fallen.”

  Chapter Ten

  I AM SELFLESS

  We were driving home Thursday morning after one last day of living in solitude. Leaving was bittersweet, but life was waiting for us back home, and we couldn’t ignore it any longer. My phone rang when we were about a half hour away from home. It was a ringtone I knew well, and Blake did now too.

  “Hello?” I was met with sobs on the other end. “It’s cancer, isn’t it?”

  Bobbie Jo managed to choke back her sobs. “Yes. It’s bad, Victoria. Like really, really bad. They’ve already classified it as advanced breast cancer. The measurements they took were around eleven centimeters, and it’s in her nodes. It doesn’t look good.” She began crying again.

  “Oh my God,” I gasped as the tears began to stream down my cheeks. Blake reached for my free hand and squeezed it tightly before pushing down on the gas a bit more. “We’re almost home. Where are you?”

  “I’m driving to her condo right now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I get there.”

  “Just hug her. Let her cry. Be there for her,” I advised with a shaky voice. “I’ll have Blake drop me off.”

  Blake looked over at me. “I’m not dropping you off. I’m coming with you.”

  “You don’t have to . . .”

  “I want to. You girls can do what you need to. I’ll be there if you need me for anything.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Ask Bobbie Jo to put together a list of anything they might need at the store. I’m happy to help out.”

  Bobbie Jo overheard our conversation. “Thank you—both of you. I’m sorry that you are coming home to this, and that I’m asking so much of you right now. You have enough going on in your life, but I really need you. I’m completely lost.”

  Blake squeezed my hand in support. “We are here for you and will do whatever we can to help. I love you, Bobbie Jo.”

  “Love you too. I’m just pulling up to her building. I�
��ll see you soon.”

  “See you in a bit.” I hit end, and the stream of tears turned into a river.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Blake said, trying to comfort me.

  “No, it’s not,” I blubbered. “It’s spread to her nodes, and the lump is around eleven centimeters from what they could measure on the films. That’s not okay—it’s just not!”

  Silence. It filled the car. I don’t think Blake expected my response. Just saying those words out loud about someone other than myself was suffocating. I could handle fighting breast cancer, but I wasn’t prepared to watch someone else battle it.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly, still holding my hand.

  “So am I.”

  *

  We arrived at Jillian’s downtown Minneapolis condo in the Warehouse District. Like most of the buildings in the area, it was an old four-story brick building that had been updated. The units were all unique with curved and glass walls. It was very chic and upscale for the area, which was close to the river. Since she worked downtown, she didn’t really have much of a commute—until now. With all the appointments looming in her future, that was going to change . . . as well as many other aspects of her life.

  Blake found a parking spot about a block away from her building, which was typical for this area. Even though it was cold, we walked slowly to her building, hand-in-hand. We were both lost in our thoughts.

  “Just do what comes naturally,” Blake suggested. “Nobody knows what to do in this situation—you of all people know that. Be there for her, and let her take the lead on what she needs.”

  “Okay. Thank you, and thank you for being here with me. It means a lot.” I snuggled closer to his side, causing him to release my hand and put his arm around me as we approached the door.

  Bobbie Jo buzzed us in, and we took the elevator up to the third floor. The door was cracked open, and we walked in. The lights were dim and a few candles were flickering in the kitchen. We rounded the corner and spotted both Bobbie Jo and Jillian sitting on the sofa wrapped together under a quilt. They were mindlessly clicking through the channels on TV.

  “Hey,” I announced our arrival. They both looked up as Blake was helping me out of my coat. After he set it on one of the barstools, we walked over to where they were sitting.

  Bobbie Jo stood up and pulled me into a hug as Blake reached his hand out to Jillian. “Hi, I’m Blake, Victoria’s boyfriend. It’s a pleasure to meet you—I just wish this could’ve been on different terms.”

  Jillian took his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “I’m going to let you girls talk. . . . Do you need me to run to the store or anything? Order lunch? Do the dishes?”

  “I could use a cup of coffee,” Bobbie Jo responded. “There’s a coffee shop down the street that has really good coffee and pastries. Jillian, do you want something?”

  “No, I’m not hungry . . . but thanks.”

  “Why don’t I run down and pick up a few things? I’ll have my cell if you change your mind. Victoria can text me.”

  “Sounds great. Thank you!” I pulled out of Bobbie Jo’s embrace. “Is there a key I can get for him to use so he doesn’t have to buzz in?”

  “Yeah, there’s one on the hook by the door.” Jillian nodded over by the door.

  I walked Blake to the door and found the key. He turned to me and pulled me into his arms and placed a kiss on my head. “I’ve got some e-mails to catch up on and will just sit and have a cup of coffee to give you a little more time to talk. Text me when you’re ready for me to come back. Okay?”

  “I will, thanks.” I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I didn’t. It didn’t feel like the right moment, even though I wanted to say it, and, to be honest, I wanted to hear the words spoken to me.

  Blake could sense the war going on in my head. “I know.” He kissed me. “I’ll be back when you’re ready.”

  I headed back to the living room after the door shut and grabbed the remote from the table to turn the TV off. Sitting on the edge of coffee table in front of the two of them, I pulled my thoughts together . . . or attempted to.

  “I’m sorry.” I reached over to place my hand on Jillian’s leg. “I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and here I am, looking at two people I love and admire, and I haven’t the foggiest idea what the hell to say. It’s one thing when I’m facing the beast, but it’s another to be on the sidelines, trying to cheer you on, knowing the hell that awaits. It’s so damn unfair, and I wish cancer would just fuck off.”

  “Fuck cancer!” Bobbie Jo cursed. “It’s not welcome here. I refused to watch it knock my best friend down, and now it’s after my sister. This is my worst nightmare.”

  “So, what are we dealing with?” I asked Jillian, who was still silent.

  “We’re dealing with the worst case scenario, from what I gather. I’m scheduled to meet with an oncologist and surgeon tomorrow to determine if I should pursue chemo and/or radiation before surgery. The mass is large, and it’s spread. I’m sure they’ll want to do more tests as well. I’m just numb.” She never made eye contact; instead she intently watched her fingers trace a pattern across the quilt on her lap.

  “Do you want me to go with you tomorrow? It might help to have someone there who understands what they’re saying, from a patient standpoint.”

  Jillian’s head snapped up. “You would do that?”

  “Yes, why wouldn’t I?” I inquired, slightly confused. “What would make you think I wouldn’t do that for you?”

  Jillian had always been in control and vocal about how things should be. That’s what made her a successful buyer for a big retailer, but this time, she stammered, “It’s just . . . I figured you had enough on your plate with everything you’ve already gone through and are still going through. . . . Why would you want to go through it all again with me?”

  “Because that’s what friends do,” I responded. “Having breast cancer is a sisterhood you don’t want to join, nor do you have a choice, for that matter. Once you’re in it, there’s no going back, and it’s balls to the wall, full speed ahead. You’re part of it now, and I’m not about to let you figure it out alone. I’ll be your guide, your support, your punching bag, and your partner. I’m not about to sit on the sidelines.”

  Bobbie Jo sniffled. “Thank you, Victoria. You have no idea how much you mean to me or how bad I feel for not being there for you more in those early days. You are selfless and compassionate. Thank you for being here for Jillian. I . . .” She broke down into sobs, and I instantly moved over to the sofa between the two of them. Bobbie Jo buried her head in my shoulder and cried.

  Looking over at Jillian, I recognized the look on her face immediately. It was the look of absolute desolation. She was too numb to feel any emotions, a feeling I remembered well. The tears had dried up because she had already cried so hard that all that remained was a broken woman. A woman whose life had just been yanked out from under her in the blink of an eye.

  “Where’s Blake?” Jillian asked quietly.

  I looked up at the clock, not sure of the time, and was surprised to see that he had been gone for close to an hour. “He wanted to give us some time to talk and said to text him when he should be back.”

  “I’m kind of hungry. Do you think he could get me something?”

  “Definitely. What would you like?” I asked as reached for my phone, which was sitting on the table.

  “They have a really good premade four-cheese soufflé or French toast coffee cake. I’d be happy with either, and an acai berry iced tea.”

  “You got it,” I replied as I texted Blake to come back and added Jillian’s order. A few seconds later, I got a text back.

  Great, I’m glad to hear she’s hungry. I’ll place my order and be back in twenty minutes.

  I was starting to worry.

  Blake xo

  The last sentence brought a smile to my face. “He’ll be back as soon as the order is ready.”

  “Great. I’m going to go ho
p in the shower quickly.” Jillian got up to leave the room.

  “Hey, Jilly,” Bobbie Jo said. “I love you, and we’ll get through this. I promise I’ll never leave your side.”

  “I know we will. Thank you . . . both of you.” She turned, headed into the bathroom, and turned the water on before closing the door.

  *

  Bobbie Jo, Blake, and I were talking when Jillian came out of her bedroom, dressed in an oversized sweatshirt, leggings, and a pair of polka dot fuzzy socks. “A fashion statement I’m not,” she announced before joining us at the large curved island.

  “But you smell good.” Bobbie Jo slid a plate in front of Jillian. On it was the soufflé we had kept warm and a piece of the coffee cake.

  “I asked for one or the other, not both.”

  “I didn’t want to risk picking the wrong one, so I got you both. Eat one now and save the other for later,” Blake suggested as he handed her the iced tea.

  “Or eat them both now. Shit, you’re allowed to break the rules once in a while. We won’t judge you.” I smiled before stuffing a chocolate croissant in my mouth.

  “Agreed.” Bobbie Jo shoved a pecan roll in her mouth.

  Blake started laughing. “So this is what girls do when they hang out? Stuff their faces and make each other feel good doing it?”

  “Pretty much,” I mumbled with my mouth full of rich, chocolate goodness.

  “Well, I’m not about to be the odd man out . . . well, technically, I’m the only man here.” He bit into his panini sandwich.

  “Mmm,” we all moaned as we devoured our food.

  We stayed for a little while longer before Blake suggested that we should get going. Neither of us had to work the next day, but we had things to do after being gone for several days.

  “What time are your appointments tomorrow?” I asked Jillian as Blake helped me back into my coat.

  “I’m meeting with the surgeon at nine-fifteen and an oncologist at eleven. Bobbie Jo is coming, so you don’t need to if you’re busy.”