Beneath, You're Beautiful Read online

  “Thank you, Pastor.” I stood to shake his hand.

  “It was my pleasure. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” He excused himself, and we were left looking at the envelopes in our hands.

  “Do you want to open them here or in private?” Bobbie Jo asked me.

  “I think in private would be better. Do you want to follow me home, and we can open them there in separate rooms?”

  Bobbie Jo looked around. “Where’d Blake go?”

  “He left when Jen and Dana did. He figured you and I needed some time alone. I’m supposed to call him later.”

  “Okay.” She stood up and started looking around the room one last time. “I’d like to bring one of the arrangements to the hospice home on our way, if that’s okay?”

  “Of course. That’s very thoughtful of you,” I remarked. “What do you want to do with the rest of them?”

  “The church said they would be able to use whatever arrangements remained. If there’s one you like, grab it. I know Jillian would want you to have it.”

  Looking around, my eyes landed on a large colorful European garden basket that was filled with various plants, including English ivy, Gerbera daisies, begonias, and azaleas. “I’d love the basket of plants over there.” I pointed to where it sat.

  “It’s all yours. Which one should I bring to the hospice home?” Bobbie Jo asked.

  I spotted the arrangement of white dragon flowers, hydrangeas, and lilies that Dana, Jen and I had ordered. “What about the arrangement we sent? The fragrance from the lilies would fill the house perfectly.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea.” She walked over to pick it up. “Can you grab the vase of calla lilies for me while I go grab the cart from the kitchenette?”

  “Got it.” I moved the three arrangements to the table we were sitting at and tossed my envelope from Jillian in my purse.

  “Ready?” Bobbie Jo asked when she returned with the cart.

  “If you are.”

  She took one final look around the now-empty room. Just hours before, it was filled with Jillian’s friends and family talking about happier times and remembering the beautiful woman who fought a hard fight up until the end. Dana and Jen had already taken the poster boards when they left, and the church volunteers had packaged up the food and sent it home with Bobbie Jo’s parents.

  “I am.”

  We loaded the arrangements on the cart and wheeled them out of the room, letting the doors silently close behind us. The loss of Jillian was still fresh, and I knew the days ahead would be difficult; they would be when her loss would be truly felt. Bobbie Jo would need us more than ever.

  *

  I slipped out of my heels and dress from the funeral and put on a pair of boxer shorts and a T-shirt; I was all about comfort at this point. After pouring myself a glass of raspberry lemonade, I headed toward the living room when I remembered I had the letter from Jillian sitting in my purse. I made a quick detour to the foyer to retrieve it.

  My phone chimed just as I sat down on the sofa. I placed my glass on the coffee table and set the envelope next to it before checking my messages.

  I’m exhausted. Going home. Go ahead and open your letter.

  Love you big, Bobbie Jo

  I saw that coming from a mile away.

  Get some rest and call me tomorrow.

  Love you more, Victoria

  After clicking on my sound system, I leaned forward and picked up the envelope with my name scrawled across it in Jillian’s handwriting. It felt precious in my hands, almost fragile, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open it quite yet. These were her last words to me; it all felt so final, because it was. Jillian was gone, and nothing could bring her back.

  I slipped my finger under the sealed flap of the envelope and slowly broke the seal. Pulling out the cream and navy blue monogramed stationary that belonged to Jillian made this moment one that would stay with me forever. I took a deep breath.

  Victoria,

  Please know that I’m at peace and free of the pain cancer had brought into my life. I lived a wonderful and full life, with no regrets. Don’t mourn my loss, instead celebrate my memories. We’d only known each other for eight years, but the bond we shared was special. Your love and support these last few months meant more to me than you’ll ever know, a true blessing. I know you’ll take good care of Bobbie Jo for me. She’s going to have a hard time at first, but she will pull through and come out on the other side stronger than before. Thank you for being her anchor.

  I’m sure you’re struggling with the question of “why”? We talked about it before, and you need to remember that you still have so much to do in this life—it’s not your time. Don’t feel guilty for surviving; instead honor my memory by making a difference for other women. Be the voice. Be their champion.

  Most importantly, be your own champion. Stop letting the fear of how people will view your decisions get in the way of making them. You, and you alone, are responsible for your happiness. Follow your heart and follow the journey. A wise man once taught you about the “journey”—listen to him. He knows what he’s talking about. Keep writing your story and keep living the dream.

  I love you and will do my best as your guardian angel. I’ll be there listening and watching over you, always.

  Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle,

  Jillian

  A tear dropped on the edge of the paper, just missing her signature, as I sat not really making sense of the words she had written. So I read it again, and again, and again, until the words all blurred together from my clouded vision.

  After placing it on the table, I pulled Blake’s blanket over me and laid down on the sofa. “Jealous of the Angels” by Jenn Bostic was playing, and the tears came harder and harder until the emotional exhaustion of the last few days took over. Actually, of the last eight months was more like it.

  The smell of something delicious coming from the kitchen woke me. I stretched my body out on the sofa and listened for someone in the kitchen. The sound of veggies being chopped up echoed, forcing me to go investigate.

  I was greeted by a cutting board covered with a rainbow of peppers, broccoli, and peapods. Blake’s back was to me, as he stood at the stove sautéing something. I cleared my throat, so as not to startle him. He looked over his shoulder at me with a comforting smile. “Good evening, sleepy girl.”

  “Hi,” I yawned, still feeling groggy from my nap. I looked over at the clock and was surprised to see it was seven-thirty already. “I’ve been asleep for almost four hours?”

  “You needed it. I tried calling, but you didn’t answer, so I drove over to find you sleeping soundly. I didn’t want to wake you, but I knew you needed a good dinner, seeing as how you picked at your plate this afternoon. Have a seat.” He nodded to a stool.

  “Thanks.”

  “I hope you’re hungry. I’m making teriyaki chicken stir-fry with rice.”

  “Actually, I am pretty hungry,” I said, but then panic hit me when I realized Bobbie Jo was home alone when she should be surrounded by loved ones. “I should probably call to check on Bobbie Jo.”

  “Jen just called. She’s bringing dinner over to Bobbie Jo, and you are to stay put tonight. We agreed that you need a break so Jen is staying with her tonight.”

  “I think we all need a break to process the last few months.”

  “We do. Can I get you something to drink? Your lemonade was watered down, so I tossed it out.”

  “Hot tea would hit the spot. I think I have some tropical mango in the cabinet.”

  Blake prepared my tea before tossing the veggies into the pan. The sizzling of them cooking was loud and gave me a break from talking. I was happy that Blake came over; I needed his presence to calm me.

  “Here you go.” He placed a steaming plate in front of me. “Do you need anything else?”

  “Nope.” I picked up my fork. “Come sit with me?”

  “That’s the plan.” He set his plate on the counter next t
o mine before grabbing a beverage from the fridge.

  We ate in comfortable silence. Blake was an excellent cook, and the meal was amazing. I was surprised by how much I ate, but then again, I hadn’t really eaten much in the last couple of days. After clearing the dishes, Blake followed me back into the living room and pulled me into his arms on the sofa. I was leaning into him, with my head laying on his shoulder, when my eyes found Jillian’s open letter on the table.

  “Jillian wrote Bobbie Jo and me each a letter that the pastor gave to us after everyone had left. I read it before I fell asleep.” I nodded toward it.

  Blake acknowledged the letter but didn’t reach to read it.

  “You can read it if you want to,” I offered.

  He picked it up and read it. I could tell he was getting choked up as he did. I’m sure it brought back memories of his mom after her passing. After all, he’d been through this before.

  “She had a way with words.” He placed it back on the table. “A very wise woman, and she cared for you very much.”

  “A few weeks after I asked you to leave, she called me and asked me to meet her for a walk at the lake,” I told him hesitantly. As much as the break sucked for me, it sucked for him too, but it was part of the journey. “She understood me and didn’t question my decisions like the girls did. It was my life, and I needed to experience it—the good and the bad. What she did do was make a point of showing me that my life wasn’t over and that I had a beautiful future ahead of me. I was blind to the fact that by trying to protect my loved ones from potential pain, I was instead letting my fear of what could happen hurt them. I was allowing my fear to affect my decisions and future. That was no way to live.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Her letter reaffirmed her words. I’m here to support my friends, to let a survivor’s voice be heard, and to follow my heart.” I sat up and turned toward Blake. “I’m right where I need to be.”

  “I’m happy to hear that, because this is right where I need to be too,” he replied. “Life is unexpected, as you know all too well, but sometimes the unexpected moments are the most important. You can’t see the whole picture at once, but you’ll know when it comes into focus. Everything happens for a reason—you just need to trust the process.”

  “Yes, I do. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being here with me tonight.”

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

  I leaned up to kiss his beautiful mouth, finding acceptance and understanding as our lips moved in unison. I led the kiss at first, but let Blake take the lead and help me forget the long day. We both needed to escape into one another and feel loved.

  Reaching for his hand, I headed upstairs to my bedroom, with him following behind me. “Please make love to me.”

  He lifted my face between his hands. “If that’s what you want.”

  “It’s what I want and what I need. I need to be comforted and loved by you.”

  He stripped me out of the boxers and T-shirt I had put on when I got home and rid himself of his clothes immediately after. We stood naked in front of one another, baring our bodies and our hearts.

  Blake stepped forward and cupped my face in his right hand as his left hand rested on my hip, pulling me closer to him. “You feel so right in my arms. I love you, Victoria.”

  “And I love you, Blake.” I leaned in to meet his lips and let my emotions pour out into this beautiful man who, in a matter of months, had given me hope when I thought I had completely lost it. He loved me and gave me room to find myself, never once demanding anything of me other than to trust him. I stopped letting my brain rule my decisions and let my heart be my guide, and it guided me to him.

  I shoved my hands up into his hair and let the silky thickness of it comfort me. He dropped his hand from my face and placed it on my breast, and he gently started kneading it in his hand. While I still didn’t have feeling in my chest, I could feel the pressure of his hand, and from the moan that escaped his throat, I knew he enjoyed touching me again. “They’re perfect,” he assured me. “And they fit perfectly in my hand.” His other hand reached up to cup my other breast.

  With his hands occupied, I moved my right hand from his hair and slowly felt my way down his chest and abs to his length, which was jutting into my stomach. I ran my hand down the smooth underside to cup his sack in my hand before pulling my hand back up to curl my fingers around his solid thickness. I tightened my grip and pulled up to the tip and then back down slowly.

  Blake’s hands moved from my breasts, down my body. His left hand curved down to squeeze my ass, while his right hand moved down to my sex. A sigh left my lips as I tilted my hips to give him better access. He ran his fingers through my folds and back to circle my clit. I was at full attention now.

  He walked me backward to the bed, and we broke away from each other as I climbed on and he quickly followed. His fingers continued their ministrations, and my hips moved along with his rhythm, but I wanted—no, needed—more. “More, Blake. I need more of you.”

  He shifted between my legs, and I willingly opened them wide for him. He sat back and looked at me while he continued to play with me. “You can have all of me.” He grabbed his throbbing length and began to stroke it while watching his fingers slip in and out of me, driving me insane.

  “So fucking hot,” he moaned as he rubbed his finger on the bead of fluid that had just leaked out of his tip and brought it up to my lips. I opened my mouth, and he placed his finger on my tongue. Closing my lips around his finger, I sucked the taste of him off of his finger. Our eyes met, and it ignited something more; he pulled his finger from my lips and climbed up my body, bringing his heavy crown closer to my mouth.

  I opened my lips, and he slid into my mouth, releasing a groan of pure pleasure. Once I had gotten him wet enough, he pulled out of my mouth and slid back down between my legs. I could feel his left arm shaking as he used his right hand to line himself up with my entrance.

  He gently pushed his way in, and we both let out a gasp when he was all the way inside of me. Neither of us moved for what felt like minutes, as we were both lost in the feeling of being one again. Blake set a slow, punishing pace, gradually pulling back and then sliding back in. His breathing was getting heavier, as was mine, and I wrapped my legs up around his waist, opening myself to him more.

  “I’ve missed this. Missed being part of you and feeling you wrapped around me,” he rasped, trying hard to control the pace.

  “I’ve missed it too, but I need more. Give me all of you,” I encouraged him as he increased his thrusts.

  “Like this?” The sweat was beading on his forehead as he continued to push me closer to my orgasm.

  “More. Take what’s yours. Take me with you,” I begged.

  He sat up on his heels and tipped my hips up, holding my legs out in front of him as he began to push harder and deeper inside of me. “I’m yours and you’re mine, from this day forward. Come with me . . .” he called out as his thumb landed on my sensitive clit, like a button an astronaut pushes on takeoff, and we exploded together.

  Both of our bodies shook in release as Blake collapsed on top of me. I could feel him twitching inside of me even when my orgasm had calmed.

  “That was something,” I whispered.

  “Yeah. It definitely was something.”

  “I love you.” I smiled up into his beautiful brown eyes, to find them filled with love.

  “I love you more,” he vowed before scooting off the bed to clean himself up.

  He returned with a warm wash cloth to clean me up, and after disposing of it in the hamper, he climbed into bed next to me, and we talked for an hour until we both fell asleep, feeling calm for the first time in weeks.

  *

  On Friday morning, the day after Jillian’s memorial, I picked up coffee and breakfast from Bobbie Jo’s favorite bakery and drove to her house. She wasn’t expecting me, but I didn’t care.

  When I pulled up at nine, I noticed an unfamiliar car
in her driveway, so I decided to ring the doorbell, rather than let myself in.

  A few moments later, she answered the door dressed and ready to go somewhere. A handsome gentleman in a sharp black suit was standing in the front hall with a piece of luggage in his hands.

  “Where are you going?” I questioned while holding my purchases.

  “Thanks for the coffee.” She plucked it out of the drink carrier.

  “Did you not hear me? Where are you going?” I demanded.

  She nodded to the man standing next to me, “Go ahead and bring that to the car, I’ll be out shortly.”

  Nodding his head, he replied, “Yes, ma’am,” before smiling at me and leaving.

  “I’m going on a little trip.” She threw a few things in her purse. “Jillian’s letter came with a request for me to find myself again, along with a business card for a friend of hers with a private jet. So, I’m leaving for Key West for a few days.”

  “What?” I replied in complete and utter shock. “We held your sister’s memorial service yesterday and today you’re leaving for the Florida Keys? Have you lost your fucking mind?”

  “Yes, and I’m going to find it.” She smiled.

  “I . . .” What the hell was I supposed to say to that? “Are you going alone?”

  “Yes, I am, and that’s how I want it. I need a break.”

  “I get that, but is leaving those who love and care about you the best move right now?”

  “For me, it is.” She sighed. “I know this makes no sense to you, but you know what? A lot of what you’ve done lately hasn’t made sense to me, but I didn’t stop you. Let me do this. I need to get away. I need a break from everything around me and the reminders around every corner of what’s been happening. I need to do this for me, and you of all people should understand.”

  “Touché,” I replied. “I’m not going to stop you, but please let me know you’ve arrived safely and check in. How long will you be gone?”

  “A few days at most. I know I have responsibilities here, so it won’t be long, but I need to do this now for me.”

  “Okay,” I relented. “Here’s a breakfast quiche for the drive to the airport. Please know that I love you, and I’m here for you anytime.”