Beneath It All (Beneath #1) Read online

  Kill. Me. Now.

  He filled the right side to one hundred as well and fixed me up with another Band-Aid to match. After he removed his gloves and washed his hands, he returned to help me sit up.

  A few moments after I sat up, I suddenly felt dizzy and started to sway. He quickly noticed and grasped my shoulders to help me lie back down.

  Bobbie Jo was on her feet right next to me in seconds. “You okay?” she asked.

  “I think I just sat up too fast and got dizzy. I’ll be fine.”

  Dr. Forrester muttered something to Elizabeth, and she was back a minute later with a can of ginger ale and a straw.

  “Take a sip of this.” He held the straw toward my lips, and I took a sip. “Your body has been through a lot lately, and your blood sugar might be a bit low. You probably need to get something to eat.”

  “I haven’t had anything since breakfast. I guess I need to eat a bit more. Can I try sitting up again?”

  “Sure, but let’s take it slow this time.” Bobbie Jo gripped my right arm and Dr. Forrester gripped my left as they helped me sit upright. Neither of them released their hold on me until I confirmed that I wasn’t dizzy anymore.

  “Take as long as you need to get up and moving. Go slow and get something to eat. You can take some ibuprofen and apply heat to your chest to help with any discomfort from the fill. It’s normal to feel sore and tight for a couple of days. If you’re feeling up to it, let’s do this again in two weeks. I would prefer to alternate weeks with chemo at this time.”

  I nodded in understanding. “Okay. I’ll schedule for the Friday after Christmas.”

  “Great. It was nice to meet you, Bobbie Jo, and Victoria, take care of yourself. Call if you have any concerns. I’m on call this week should you need anything . . . anything at all.”

  “I will, Dr. Forrester. Thank you, and thanks for the ginger ale, Elizabeth,” I said as I lifted the can in a “cheers” motion as they left the room.

  “Damn. He is fine,” Bobbie Jo purred next to me. “Did you feel the sexual tension? It radiates off of him. There is no way he is married, and if you ask me, I’d say he was flirting with you.”

  “WHAT?! No. Way!” I said in shock as I pulled off the gown and put on my sweater, trying to ignore the sudden soreness in my chest. “What would give you that impression? He’s my doctor, and I’m married.” I grabbed my purse and walked out the door with Bobbie Jo hot on my tail.

  “Open your eyes, sweetheart,” she said in a sassy, singsong voice.

  I walked with her to the car since I refused to wait for her to pick me up like Noah would’ve insisted. I was turning into an angry bear and needed to eat.

  We drove to the mall next door and parked in the lot by PF Chang’s, Cheesecake Factory, and Rojo’s. I let my stomach decide, and Cheesecake Factory won by a landslide. Before we got out of the car, I grabbed the scarf I had slipped into my purse and proceeded to wrap it around my head. I was fine with the “bald is beautiful” look at the doctor’s office, but I wasn’t quite ready for it in a public restaurant.

  “Looks fabulous,” Bobbie Jo said encouragingly as we walked into the restaurant. Sitting on one of the upper levels along the back wall provided me with a perfect view of the cheesecake display. My mouth instantly started watering.

  “Can I start with dessert? I can’t think of a better way to boost my blood sugar levels,” I joked. Well, not really.

  “You can order whatever the hell you want. I don’t judge,” Bobbie Jo said as she studied the cocktail menu. “I’m thinking Sex on the Beach or maybe just a Blow Job.” She snickered. “I might as well be getting it somewhere.”

  “Why must your cocktails revolve around sex too?” I asked as I drooled over the cheesecake menu. “And since when have you had a dry streak?”

  “Well, when you call it a cock-tail, it makes me think about sex, and I haven’t had any in five days.”

  “I guess that is a drought in your world.” I just shook my head. “I’m going to head up to the display and take a peek; I can’t decide by looking at the menu. I need to see what my options are.”

  “Go for it! I think you’ve earned at least two pieces. One for each of your newly filled tits. Go show those ladies off—stick your chest out loud and proud.” She waved her hand to dismiss me.

  I couldn’t help the snort that escaped as I started to slide out of the booth and looked up at the display case. There was a couple sharing a passionate kiss. The man ran his hands through the woman’s beautiful thick hair, which made me reach for mine, only to find nothing but a bald head under a scarf.

  I felt my phone buzz and looked down to see a text message from Noah.

  Hey, I’m just leaving a meeting at the Cheesecake Factory.

  What kind of cheesecake would you like?

  I’m coming home early. Let me know. Noah.

  I looked around the restaurant for him but couldn’t find him anywhere. My eyes drifted back toward the display and to the couple that had been kissing earlier. They weren’t kissing anymore. As recognition hit me, my phone fell out of my hand and clattered onto the table.

  Bobbie Jo was quick to pick it up. “Victoria?” Bobbie Jo said as she guided me back down into the booth, the look on her face etched with concern. “Is everything okay?”

  I said nothing and stared at my phone in her hand, encouraging her to look at the message.

  After she read the text on my phone, she looked up at me with a smile and started to look around. When her eyes landed at the cheesecake display, I watched as the smile on her face morphed into a sneer.

  Noah was standing at the counter, but he most definitely wasn’t there on business like he said. What I never in a million years would have expected was Stacey hanging on his arm, pointing at the various flavors of cheesecake like a cozy couple.

  I felt my blood start to boil and was positive that was what the Red Devil would have felt like if it had exploded in my veins. It burned.

  Bobbie Jo frantically typed on the screen of my phone and handed it back to me. She nodded to me to read it. I looked down at the screen.

  Why don’t you ask Stacey what flavor she recommends?

  “All you have to do is hit Send, Victoria.” Bobbie Jo nodded when I looked back up at her. “Do it.”

  I was in a panic and not thinking clearly as I did as I was told and hit Send.

  My hands were trembling, my heart was pounding, and I was sure that I was about to have a stroke when the sound confirming that the message had been sent chimed.

  Undo. Undo. Undo! I screamed silently inside my head as I looked over and saw Noah reach for his phone in his pocket, watching as he pulled it out and read the message.

  His head instantly snapped up to attention, and I saw the color drain from his face from the other side of the room. I watched, in what felt like slow motion, as he pulled away from Stacey’s hold and turned his body to search the restaurant.

  It took several seconds before his eyes swept past our booth. I had hoped he didn’t recognize me with my scarf-covered head, but his eyes quickly shot back, pinning me in my spot. I couldn’t describe the look on his face as he made his move and started to walk around the partition toward our table. He seemed possessed.

  Stacey looked stunned by his sudden departure. Her eyes followed where he was headed, and she spotted me as easily as if a spotlight had been shining on our table. I’d like to think it was a look of surprise on her face, but it wasn’t. The bitch had the nerve to look smug.

  The fight-or-flight instinct took over, and I stood quickly, pulling Bobbie Jo with me as we hurried out of the booth. I started walking in the opposite direction of Noah as I discovered my escape route.

  I heard him call out, “Victoria, wait!” as a woman with a baby stood to block his path toward me. He tried to move around her, but the baby was screaming and the mom wasn’t about to let him through. I’ve never been so thankful for a screaming child in all my life. Thank you.

  I kept moving. T
here was no way in hell I was going to slow down. I had my chance to escape and took it as we ducked out the door. I took off running, leaving Bobbie Jo in the dust.

  The need to throw up hit me hard, and it forced me to stop running. I made it to the corner of the parking lot before the violent heaves began.

  Bobbie Jo caught up to me and started rubbing my back to calm me. “Come on, babe, let’s get you home.”

  “No. I’m not going home,” I blubbered between breaths, tearing the scarf off of my head. “He will expect me to be there and . . . I can’t . . . I just can’t. How could he do this to me? How could he do this now?” I sobbed.

  “Honey, you need to calm down.” She wiped my tears with her hands. “You’re staying with me tonight.”

  “Just get me out of here. I don’t want him to find me. I can’t deal with this.”

  “My car is just over there,” she said as she nodded two rows over and grabbed my hand to lead me there.

  I swear she thought we were in a chase scene from a movie as her tires squealed when we backed out of the parking spot. She looked in the rearview mirror and gunned it.

  I didn’t look. I closed my eyes and found comfort in knowing that whatever was behind us was now gone. I was gone. My perfect life was gone. I was left with nothing. I was nothing.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I AM NOTHING

  I woke up on Saturday morning with a start and opened my eyes to take in my surroundings. The nightmare I had in my sleep left me unsettled. As I looked around the room, it dawned on me: it wasn’t a fucking nightmare. It was real. Very real.

  Still wearing my jeans and cashmere sweater, I was curled up on Bobbie Jo’s bed. My chest hurt, but it wasn’t from the expander fill. It was from the hole that had been carved into my heart the day before.

  After crawling out of bed and stumbling to the bathroom, I decided to take stock of what was left of me.

  I looked like shit.

  I felt like shit.

  And, at this point, I really didn’t give a shit.

  I stripped out of my clothes and turned on the shower to warm up. Digging through Bobbie Jo’s cabinets, I found a spare toothbrush to scrub away the retched breath that was still present from yesterday. The steam from the shower took over me as I stood under the water until it ran cold. Ice cold.

  I dug through Bobbie Jo’s dresser and pulled on a T-shirt and pajama pants before making my way to the kitchen. I heard her voice ringing out in anger.

  “No, asshole. I’m not listening anymore.” She paused. “Don’t even try it. You’re not welcome here, and if, and I truly mean if, she wants to talk to you, she will contact you directly. Don’t try to go through me, Jen, or Dana to get to her. She is fighting for her life, and you just skewered her heart and put it over the fire. You deserve to burn in hell for what you’ve done to her, you bastard!” I heard a phone slam against the wall and break into pieces.

  “Morning,” I said sheepishly.

  “Good morning,” she said as she turned toward the doorway and saw me standing there. “I owe you a new phone. Sorry.”

  “I would have done the same thing. Thank you for taking that call for me. I’m not ready to face that.”

  “What are friends for?” she asked as she pulled away from the counter. “What can I get you for breakfast?”

  “Nothing. Not hungry.”

  “I’m sure you aren’t, but you need to keep your strength up. You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning, and there is no way you’re going down on my watch.” She pushed out a stool for me at the counter. “Waffles or pancakes?”

  “Fine. Pancakes. No syrup.”

  She started moving around like a master chef to make breakfast. “So, do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really, I don’t know what to say.” I let out a heavy sigh as my chest constricted. “Up until a few days ago, everything seemed fine. Well, as fine as they could be, all things considered.”

  “What do you mean ‘up until a few days ago’? Did you know something was going on?”

  “No. But something happened the other night, and my brain got the best of me and I assumed it was paranoia or from the meds. I guess I was wrong.” I shrugged. “How could I have not seen this?”

  “This isn’t something you should be looking for. Jesus Christ, Victoria, you’re fighting for your life, and he is out dipping the wick with another woman. Who the hell does that?” She was livid, and I was afraid for the pancakes because she was wielding the spatula like a butcher knife.

  “Noah. My. Noah.” God I was appalled with myself for letting him do this to me. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. “What the hell do I do? How do I talk to him—and what do I even say? Do I even have the energy to try?”

  “Give it time. Let it fester in his mind. Let him feel like shit because he damn well deserves it. You don’t owe him anything until you’re ready. You need time to think about what you want. Do you want to fight for your marriage?”

  “Why the hell do I have to always be the one fighting for something? I’m fighting cancer. I’m fighting off nausea. I’m fighting for my life. And now . . . now I need to decide if I want to fight for my goddamn marriage. ‘For better or worse, in sickness and in health.’ Guess he doesn’t recall saying those words in front of my family and our friends.”

  I was angry and exhausted and I felt like I was in the midst of a drug-induced nightmare. “I’m tired of fighting. I’m not doing it. If he wants this marriage, he can fight.” I started to cry. “He fucked up. Not me. I’m not fighting for shit because as far as I’m concerned, he’s not worth fighting for at this moment. And right now you’re burning my goddamn pancakes because of him!”

  “Oh shit.” She jumped as she saw smoke billowing off of the griddle. “So, how do you feel about going out for breakfast?”

  *

  Thursday arrived the same way the last several days had, in Bobbie Jo’s bed. My phone had been out of commission since last Saturday, but Bobbie Jo’s home phone continued to ring off the hook with Noah’s number showing up hourly.

  He called from his mobile, home, and office, but I never answered. I knew I couldn’t avoid him forever, but the thought of him showing up for my third chemo session, which was scheduled for the next day, was weighing on me.

  Bobbie Jo had called my parents and filled them in on what had happened. They never asked me for the complete story. “We love you. We’re here for you. Call us if you need anything,” ran on a constant loop when I finally worked up the nerve to call them last night.

  They were hurting too. Noah had vowed to take care of me, and my parents took those vows very seriously. I would bet my life that my dad had “spoken” with Noah, and I could guarantee that my father had the last word.

  I had crashed at Bobbie Jo’s house since last Friday, so I felt she deserved some space. She hadn’t signed up for a roommate, let alone one with more drama than a country song, so it was time to give her some privacy. So I arranged to stay with my parents for a few days, and they would watch over me after chemo.

  Thankfully, Jen and Bobbie Jo both agreed to go with me to my chemo appointment. There wouldn’t be any changes to the treatment plan from last time, so I had a good idea of what to expect. It was time to start facing the reality of my life, and spending time with my parents would definitely help.

  I had been living in Bobbie Jo’s clothes for almost a week and needed go home to pack a bag for the next few days. The idea of going there alone stressed me out, so I called Jen to go with me. We planned to go during the day, knowing that Noah would be at the office.

  As we pulled up in the driveway, I took a moment to look at my house. My home. The home we bought together and built a life together in. We hadn’t talked a lot about having a family, and after my cancer diagnosis, we both knew the chances of that happening were extremely low. Cancer changed everything.

  We headed for the bedroom right away. I pulled out two large suitcases from the back of
the closet and started packing my clothes. Jen was in the bedroom pulling all of my lingerie and smaller items out of the dresser and putting them into another smaller suitcase. Once the bags were packed, we hit the bathroom for my toiletries and makeup.

  When I stepped back out into our bedroom, I saw the corner of a shopping bag sticking out from under my side of the bed. It was the leather briefcase I had bought Noah for Christmas at the Coach store. I had his initials imprinted into the leather. It was perfect for him.

  I looked at my watch and was impressed by the fact that we packed it all in less than an hour. Jen had started carrying the bags out to her car, and I yelled out to her I would be right down. I opened the drawer in my bedside table and found a piece of stationary and a pen.

  Noah,

  I stopped by to pick up some of my things. I’ll be spending the week with my parents after tomorrow’s chemo session. The girls are going with me, so you don’t have to disrupt your day to be there. I’ve had time to think about what I saw, and I know we need to talk. I hope you have had time to think as well. Please don’t try to call me. I’ll call you next week when I’m ready and the fog starts to lift.

  I hope you will respect my wishes. This is not easy for me.

  Victoria

  Jen was standing quietly in the doorway, watching me. “You done?” She nodded to the note.

  “Yeah, I’m done.”

  I put the note on the top of the shopping bag on the end of the bed. It was the same spot where I found the chocolate cake only a few weeks ago. I walked down the stairs and out the front door and did not look back.

  *

  Considering my life had been flipped upside down in the last week, chemo wasn’t actually half bad this time around. It was thanks to the company I had brought with. Bobbie Jo and Jen were a two-woman show and had several of the nurses laughing and hanging around a little longer than usual.

  Noah definitely wasn’t fun at chemo; it was a somber event for us. These two had other plans. They brought party hats and Mardi Gras beads to share with all of the patients undergoing treatment while we were there.