Beneath, You're Beautiful Page 16

  “There you go. It might make you feel better.”

  “We shall see. I’m not making any promises.”

  “Fair enough. So, ready for another glass?”

  “Yes. Thanks for being you. I know I can always count on you to help me make sense of things. You have this calming effect.”

  “I’m just being honest and telling you how I see things. I just do it differently than Jen’s guerrilla warfare tactics and Bobbie Jo’s crazy and unorthodox antics. Us reggae sistas gotta stick together.” She hit play on her iPhone. Ziggy Marley started singing “True to Myself” while Dana danced her way back into the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of wine.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I AM OPTIMISTIC

  Monday evening was busy as I was preparing for surgery the next day. To say I was excited to be getting rid of the tissue expanders was a strong understatement. Jen, Bobbie Jo, and Dana all came over for dinner to celebrate the departure of the coconuts in my chest. It was fun to have us all together again, and Dana made a rule that everyone was to leave life at the door and just enjoy friendship for the few hours we were together. It was exactly what we all needed. I hated for it to end, but I had to be up early for surgery the next morning.

  Jen ran home quick to grab a few things after Bobbie Jo and Dana left, so I took the time to call my parents and muster up the courage to send a message to Blake. I wasn’t ready to talk to him quite yet, but this was the first step to my future.

  Hi Blake,

  I just wanted to drop a line to let you know that I’m having surgery tomorrow, but you probably already knew that. Thank you for being part of this journey with me—I’ve learned a lot about myself through the process. I’m happy to be getting closer to the finish line.

  Victoria

  Send.

  I set the phone down and went to take a long, hot bath, since I wouldn’t be able to submerge in the tub again for a few weeks after surgery. It was the perfect way to relax. Who was I kidding? It was the only way to escape my phone and the constant urge to see if Blake had responded to my message. I sunk down into the tub and let words of “Beautiful Goodbye” by Maroon 5 wash over me.

  There was a knock on the door as I was drying off. “Yeah?”

  “I’m back. Are you decent?” Jen asked.

  “Almost. Just drying off.” It didn’t stop her from coming in. “Hey!” I yelped as I quickly covered up with my towel.

  “What? It’s not like I haven’t seen it all before.” She smiled as she set down a large white box with a pink satin ribbon on the vanity. “This was sitting by the front door when I got back. Were you expecting something?”

  “Nope.” I looked curiously at the box as I pulled on my robe. “I’ve no clue what it could be. But I don’t want to open it in here.” I grabbed the box and carried it into my bedroom, setting it on the bed.

  Jen spoke up as I started pulling at the satin ribbon. “What if it’s from Noah?” All movement was halted by me.

  “You open it.” I shoved it toward her.

  She pulled at the ribbon not-so-delicately as I held my breath. What if it was from Noah? How did I miss the fact that there wasn’t a card on the outside? Suddenly, my stomach had an uneasy feeling.

  But once the ribbon was removed and the tissue was pulled back, my heart fluttered. Inside the box was the large knit blanket that Blake’s mother had made. I removed it carefully from the box and held it to my chest and inhaled. It smelled like Blake—woodsy with a touch of lavender and musk. “This was Blake’s mother’s blanket. She knitted it.” I reached for the card that had fallen to the bottom of the box.

  Victoria,

  Thank you for your message. I’m aware of your surgery tomorrow, and I know everything will go smoothly. I wanted you to have the blanket from the cabin that you so loved. I hope it provides you comfort while recovering. Have a good night’s sleep—you have an early morning.

  Blake

  “Wow. He gets the ‘aww’ award for that one,” Jen breathed softly over my shoulder. “He’s so thoughtful, sweet, and fucking hot. When are you going to stop being a bitch and tell him how you feel? Please let me know if you don’t plan to, because I want to be there to comfort him.”

  “Piss off,” I snapped back at her. “Let me get through surgery tomorrow.”

  “Why do you always put things off? What’s stopping you?”

  “The pressure of my friends. I need to do this on my terms—not yours, Dana’s, or Bobbie Jo’s. I’m going to make the decision that’s right for me, when I’m ready. You can bug me all you want, but this isn’t high school when Tanner Mitchell asked me out, and I won’t be forced to make a decision because there’s some mysterious deadline on his offer. I’m older and wiser, and having been through a divorce already, I’m not looking for another.”

  “It’s about damn time!” She squeezed me in her arms.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You stood up for yourself, and you only do that when you are passionate about something . . . or someone. You’ve had your head shoved so far up your ass lately with the ‘woe is me’ bullshit, I was wondering if you would ever come out of it. Welcome back, Toots!”

  I shoved her. “You can be such a bitch.”

  “Yeah, but I’m your bitch most of the time.” She smiled as she looked at her watch. “You have fifteen minutes left to eat or drink anything before your body goes on presurgical lockdown. What can I get you?”

  “Hmm. How about a bowl of cereal?”

  “Sure thing. Fruit Loops or Golden Grahams?”

  “Bring on Toucan Sam . . . I’m feeling loopy. Or I will be tomorrow.” I winked before setting the blanket down on my bed. It would be my security blanket until I could talk with Blake.

  *

  Jen and I arrived at the hospital bright and early the next day. She sent me off to pre-op with a hug and a final squeeze of the coconuts in my chest, which gave me a huge smile. I would never have to go through the torture of tissue expanders ever again.

  Dr. McGuire had just finished marking me for surgery and got me settled back on the gurney. She was going to get me a heated blanket as they were waiting for word that the operating room was ready. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my happy place: a sunny island with turquoise water and powdered white sand.

  There was a soft tap on the wall before the curtain was pulled back and Blake entered wearing his surgical scrubs and carrying a heated blanket, tousled hair, and sexy smile. Man did I miss that smile. “I hear you requested a blanket,” he inquired hesitantly.

  “Yeah, that would be nice since the blanket I really want is at home.” I smiled back, signaling that is was okay for him to come in. “Thank you for your gift last night. It was so thoughtful.”

  He laid the blanket over me and leaned against the wall in the small pre-op room with his arms crossed over his chest, the typical doctor stance. “I’m happy to hear you like it. I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it, since we haven’t seen or spoken to one another in over three weeks. I didn’t want to over step . . .”

  “I’m sorry I asked you to leave that night, but most of all, I’m sorry for not respecting you and for withdrawing from you these last few weeks. I was selfish, and I only hope you can find forgiveness. There’s so much I need to say, but I know that now isn’t the time or the place,” I replied.

  “We both have things we need to say, and we’ll discuss them when you’re feeling up to it. I’m just glad you messaged me last night and I was able to see you today before surgery. I’ve missed talking to you.”

  “And I’ve missed you . . .”

  The curtain flew open, and two nurses appeared. “Excuse us, Dr. Forrester, but the OR is ready,” one of them announced.

  “Looks like it’s time for you to get rid of the tissue expanders once and for all.” Blake smiled.

  “It is.” I looked cautiously at the nurses before focusing on Blake again. I wasn’t sure if he would understand wh
at I was about to say, but I needed to say it before surgery, just in case. “I’ve fallen.”

  The smile that spread across his face was one of those moments that would forever be etched in my memory. A sparkle lit up his eyes, and I saw something more . . . hope, perhaps?

  “I’ll catch you.” He leaned down to place a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you after surgery.”

  “I look forward to it.”

  “Sorry to interrupt this moment, Dr. Forrester, but Dr. McGuire is already scrubbing in.”

  “My apologies. Take good care of Victoria,” he requested with a wink before getting out of their way.

  “Will do.” They both smiled as they unlocked the wheels on the gurney and rolled me down the hall to the operating room. “You’re a lucky woman if I think what just happened, happened.”

  “I’m very lucky.” I smiled as they pushed me through the double doors.

  *

  I sat wrapped up in Blake’s blanket on the sofa in the living room on Tuesday afternoon, while two jumbo-sized ice packs laid across my tightly wrapped chest. “Do you need more meds?” Jen called from the kitchen. “Dr. McGuire advised to stay ahead of the pain.”

  “I’ll take a half a Percocet with some toast,” I called back. “Can you also bring me a sparkling cranberry juice to drink?”

  “You got it.”

  Dr. McGuire and Blake were right, there was no comparison between the mastectomy and the tissue expander removal. The pressure of the tissue expanders was replaced with the mild soreness; however, the burn from the incisions when I moved still caught my breath, but it was definitely manageable. It was a relief to know the major parts of my reconstruction were now complete, and I only had two smaller procedures to go through. Nipple reconstruction would be done in about two months, followed by areola tattoos a few months later, and that would complete the reconstruction of my breasts.

  “Here you are.” She placed a tray over my lap. “Are the ice packs still cold enough?”

  “I have no idea—I can’t really feel anything, but they’ve been on for a while.”

  “Let me toss them back in the freezer for a bit.” She carefully removed them from my chest and started toward the kitchen when the doorbell rang. “Stay put, I’ll get it.”

  “Thanks,” I hollered, knowing full well I wasn’t about to get up and answer the door. I heard her talking to someone and then the door closed.

  “You have a delivery,” she announced in a singsong voice. “I’ll be right in with it.”

  “Okay.” I grabbed a piece of toast and shoved it in my mouth. I was pretty hungry after not eating much yesterday. I had crashed right when we got home and stayed in bed until this morning.

  Jen entered the room with large padded envelope in her hand. “Special delivery.” I took the envelope from her but struggled to open it. “Sorry—here, let me help you.”

  She pulled out a framed picture with a note attached. It was a picture of me sleeping on Blake’s chest from our time at the lake house; I could tell because his mom’s blanket was in the picture. He must have taken it during an afternoon nap; his cheek was resting on the top of my head and his full lips were curved in a relaxed smile while I was resting. Jen handed me the card that went with it.

  Victoria,

  Hope you’re taking it easy. I wanted you to have this picture. I was going to give it to you after we got back from the lake but didn’t get the chance. It’s been on my bedside table since. I look forward to having that talk when you’re ready. I’m just a phone call away.

  Blake

  “Where do you want me to put the picture?” Jen asked.

  “On the coffee table is fine for now.” I smiled. “I didn’t know he took that picture.”

  “You look at peace sleeping, and he looks happy holding you.” Jen sat down next to me and nudged my leg. “Can I join you under the blanket?”

  “Sure,” I answered, and she snuggled in next to me, laying her head on the back of the sofa.

  “Do you know Blake came out and sat with me during your surgery?”

  I shook my head no.

  “He did. We spent a lot of time talking about you . . . about how amazing you are and how happy he was to see you before surgery. I was never a fan of Noah, that’s no secret, but Blake is another story. He’s a good man, Victoria. Plain and simple. They don’t come much better. Sure, he probably has his annoying habits like scratching that sexy ass in the morning when he wakes up, or not rinsing the syrup off of his plate when he puts it in the sink, but he’s honest, kind, and funny. He’s perfect for you.”

  “He’s a great guy, I can’t argue that, and he’s the complete package. He’s real and not afraid to show his emotions. His insecurities stemming from his dad leaving his mom and him when he was younger are genuine, and I hurt him when I asked him to leave. I was too wrapped up in myself to see how I was hurting him just like his dad did by abandoning him. I love him—I really do—and I’m pretty sure he loves me too. I’ve tried hard to protect him from getting too close, but it’s done nothing but make me miserable.”

  Jen nodded in agreement. “And?”

  “And you, Bobbie Jo, Dana, Jillian, and even my mom have been riding my ass to open my eyes and stop being an idiot. When you love someone, you love them for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Noah ruined that vow for me, but maybe I’m willing to let Blake show me it’s possible.”

  “That’s my girl!”

  “I have to be able to trust him with my heart, and let him show me how to love and how to be loved again.”

  “You deserve happiness, and I’m positive he’s the man who can give it to you.”

  “Yeah, I am too,” I replied before taking another bite of my toast. “I need to finish this so I can take my meds. I’m starting to feel a bit sore.”

  “Well, hurry up then.” She smiled at me. “You don’t have to have perfect manners around me, you know—eat.”

  “I forgot you like ‘see’ food,” I mumbled, opening my mouth up like a kid and showing off my chewed toast.

  “I’ll be sure to fill Blake in on this annoying habit of yours to talk with your mouth full,” she kidded, so I kicked her. “Ouch. That’s no way to treat your caregiver.”

  “I’m sure I can find a replacement. One who is smart, sexy, and has a medical degree.”

  “Touché on the smart, sexy, and medical degree, but you’d never be able to replace me.”

  “As much as I love and hate you, I can’t imagine my life without you. Thanks for putting up with me and for kicking my ass when I wanted to give up. I love you, Jen.”

  “Love you too.” She handed me my meds and a glass of water. “Bottoms up, buttercup.”

  *

  By Thursday morning I was feeling much better. I was able to move a little more freely, and I needed a shower . . . badly. Jen had left to check in at her office for a few hours, and my parents were going to bring over lunch. I was heading upstairs to take a shower when I heard the front door open. I turned carefully on the steps to see who it was and found Blake looking up at me with a shy smile.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in. I didn’t want you to have to get up to answer the door. Jen called to let me know you were going to be home alone for a while.”

  I swallowed down my nerves. He looked amazing, as always, and the smile on his face was sincere and full of promise. Suddenly, I was overcome with emotion. He cared enough to come over and look after me. This is it, I thought. Now is when I can make amends.

  “I don’t mind. I was just going to go upstairs and freshen up. I think a hot shower and a change of clothes will do me some good.”

  “Let me help you. You shouldn’t be trying to shower when you’re home alone,” he admonished.

  “Yes, doctor.” I rolled my eyes and turned to continue up the stairs with him hot on my trail.

  He turned on the shower for it to warm up while I grabbed a pair of fresh panties and a zippered sports bra f
or support. I would need to wear this for four weeks until the incisions had fully healed, and I was not looking forward to it. I didn’t have to wear bras with my expanders, and I heard I wouldn’t have to if I didn’t want to with the implants.

  “Here, let me help you with the bandages,” Blake offered as I slipped out of my robe. “Keep in mind that you’re going to be bruised and swollen. It’ll take a few weeks before it begins to look normal again. I’m sure you read the post-op instructions, so you know to leave the steri-strips in place and to let them fall off on their own?”

  “Yeah, I read that. Right now I’d be happy to get the ace and gauze off—they’re making me feel itchy.”

  Blake carefully removed the ace bandage that had been wrapped around the upper part of my chest. I was glad he showed up and was here to help me. It would have been virtually impossible to lift my arms high enough while attempting to remove the dressings on my own. There were two large gauze pads covering the incision area. I could see a bit of bruising under my arms already where she must have liposuctioned some of the fatty tissue out to give it a smooth appearance.

  I was surprised when I looked in the mirror. My breasts were swollen, but they were perfectly placed and had a softer appearance. There was some green and yellow discoloration around the steri-strips that covered the incisions, but they looked clean. It was a stark difference to what it looked like after my mastectomy. I had been alone when I saw my chest for the first time, all those months ago, and it was something I would never forget. Tears started to fill my eyes as I recalled the appearance. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone this time, and Blake was here to support me.

  When I pulled my eyes away from my chest and looked up, I saw him watching me. “They look great,” he confirmed. “Dr. McGuire did an excellent job.”

  “I’m not sure how they’re supposed to look right now, so I’ll take your word for it.”

  “Do you want help in the shower, or do you want to try it on your own?”

  “I think I can do it, but would you stay in here just in case.”