Beneath, You're Beautiful Read online

  “Go home and do what you need to do. I’ll be over later, and we’ll talk about everything when you’re thinking more clearly. Okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “Good. I’ll see you in a few hours.” She shut the door and walked back into the restaurant.

  *

  I stumbled upstairs to my bedroom to collapse on my bed. My phone rang several times, and I heard a few messages hit my inbox, but I didn’t move to respond. My head was spinning between life and death. The new life Noah had started and the possibility of Jillian’s death. Noah, who was the poster boy for asshole, was bringing a life into the world, while Jillian, who is one of the kindest women I had ever met, was fighting against her body to keep hers. Where was the fairness in this?

  There was no answer, and I was driving myself crazy asking the question over and over again. I needed to find something to focus on. I rolled out of bed and grabbed my phone. There were several missed calls from Bobbie Jo, Dana, and Blake, not to mention text messages.

  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bitch. Please don’t be mad at me.

  Bobbie Jo

  I hope you’re okay. Call me if you need anything.

  Dana

  Hey, Sunshine. I haven’t heard from you since this morning. Hope you’re having a beautiful day. I miss you!

  Blake xo

  I put my phone back on the bedside table and stripped off my clothes as I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. The shower was my place of solitude. I could cry all I wanted and let the hot water melt the tension away from my body. It was my form of therapy.

  After pulling on a pair of cozy pajamas and my beaded pink ribbon slippers, I went downstairs to make myself some toast. I was surprised to see Jen sitting at the breakfast bar casually sipping a cup of coffee and reading a magazine. She looked up when she heard me enter the kitchen. “Feeling better?”

  “A bit,” I responded as I pulled out a loaf of English muffin toasting bread. “Want some peanut butter toast with me?”

  “Sure. I’ll take a piece. Do you want a cup of coffee?”

  “French vanilla, please.” I pushed the toast down. “How was lunch? I feel like a complete bitch for leaving Jillian like that after everything that had been dumped on her. How selfish of me.”

  “She understood. You’re still in the midst of your treatment, and even though chemo is done, you still have reconstruction to finish, and she knows everything that’s going on with you personally. Don’t worry, she was very sympathetic when I told her you wouldn’t be back.” She paused to take a sip of her coffee. “I also told everyone about the note you received.”

  “You did?” I asked, even though I wasn’t really surprised. “What did they say?”

  “Bobbie Jo declared that she was going to rip his nuts off and shove them down his throat until he choked to death. It sounded a little harsh, but nobody objected. I did point out that she would have to wear orange on a daily basis if she followed through on her plans. She concluded that she’d be fine with just giving him a swift kick in the junk with a pair of spiked heels.”

  That brought a smile to my face. “She always has a way with words. I’m sorry I stormed out like I did. It was disrespectful, and I made a scene in the middle of the restaurant.”

  “You had a lot of shit dropped on you today, and it’s understandable. You’re human, and there’s only so much you can handle. We all love you and you knew that you needed some space, so you took it. It takes a tough woman to recognize that and to actually act on it.”

  The toast popped up, and I smeared the peanut butter on it immediately so it would get gooey. My coffee was waiting for me when I sat down. “Thanks. I was so angry with you earlier, but I know you always have my back, and there’s a reason for your bitchiness.”

  “Damn straight. I’m a bitch through and through. You, however, are a work in progress and are more of a closet bitch, but you come out at the right times.” She laughed before shoving a piece of toast in her mouth. “So, the note. Are you going to take my advice and ignore it?”

  “Yeah. He’s not worth the effort. As much as I want to think he feels bad and wants to make things right, I know better and can’t afford to have my dignity shredded by him again. He’s an arrogant, pompous asshole, and I just have to believe that karma will take care of things.”

  “Honey, his ass is grass and karma is the lawnmower, and if he attempts to contact you again, I will take a weed whacker to his junk. I’m an excellent landscaper.”

  “That’s quite a picture you’ve painted.”

  “That it is,” she agreed before changing the subject. “Jillian has quite the fight ahead of her.”

  “You have no idea. I’m terrified for her, Jen. I seriously have a dreadful feeling about this,” I confessed. “I would never tell her or Bobbie Jo, but when I was listening to Dr. Guthrie, she never discussed the survival rate for this type of cancer, and when Bobbie Jo asked if Jillian was going to die, she danced around the question without answering. This isn’t good.”

  “I kind of figured that, but I think you’re doing the right thing by supporting her and being positive for her. She needs that.”

  “It is all too real, and even though I finished chemo, I’m not out of the woods. There’s no guarantee that I won’t die from breast cancer, and that scares the shit out of me. What if it comes back? What if it spreads through my body and we can’t stop it? What if I die?”

  “That’s not going to happen. Stop thinking that way. You caught it early, and you’ve done everything they’ve told you. You can’t start reading all the facts and shit online again. It does nothing but freak you out, and, in all honesty, nobody can predict what’s going to happen. We’re human—it’s not up to us.”

  “Blake’s mom had it come back and she died. He was left all alone. I can’t put him through something like that again. I won’t let him suffer that kind of loss. It would completely break him. I think I need to put some space between us.” Tears started to cloud my vision. As much as it killed me to think that way, I had to. I couldn’t knowingly put him in a situation that could lead to him losing another woman in his life to breast cancer.

  “Now you’re talking nonsense. Do you really think Blake would just let you cut him out of your life if cancer came back? I don’t think you understand how he truly feels about you. Wake the fuck up and stop acting this way.” She grabbed my wrist and pointed to the bracelet Blake had given me. “You see this? This is a gift that he put a lot of thought into, and he called to ask me if I was okay with him buying it for you. He loves you. Don’t you see that?”

  “I do, but I can’t let him love me if there is a chance I could die. He’s been hurt enough. I won’t put him through that again. The loss of his mother was horrible—”

  “Enough with the ‘I’m going to die’ bullshit! You’re not going to die. No more reading about cancer online, even if it’s to help Jillian. It’s only going to get your mind racing again. While I think you’re the perfect person to support her during all this, I refuse to let you slip backward into the black hole of despair and worry. The five-year survival rate for your type of cancer is ninety-three percent . . . ninety-three fucking percent! You can’t compare yourself to her. Your diagnosis is completely different. Don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness. You have a long, healthy life ahead of you as a survivor.”

  “Easy for you to say. You don’t live inside my head and wake up every day wondering if that ache in your back is cancer rearing its ugly head again. You don’t know what it’s like to have people pity you because your head is bald and your skin looks like a jar of dried-out paste. Every day I put on a happy face and try to be brave, but I’m not—I’m just a really good liar. The battle inside my head is never-ending. It’s constant and it’s real . . . very real. I understand that my diagnosis is different and that my survival rate is better than Jillian’s, but what if I’m one of the seven percent? What then?”

  “Then you’re part of the s
even percent. Life on earth isn’t forever. Do you want to die happy or miserable? Do you really think that building a wall up around you will prevent those who love you from suffering? Think about it.” Jen got up to go to the bathroom.

  What the hell? Of course I don’t want to die miserable, but I don’t want to cause more pain to those I love by giving them a front row seat to my suffering. That’s not fair, and I can’t live with the thought of ripping their heart apart if something happens. That’s just not okay.

  I got up from the counter to put my plate in the sink, and when I turned around, I noticed Blake was standing in the doorway. “Hi,” he murmured quietly.

  “Hi,” I replied in surprise. “How long have you been here?”

  “Do you have time to talk?”

  “Yes, she does.” Jen grabbed her purse and walked over to give me a hug. “She has all the time in the world. I’ll call you tomorrow, Victoria. Love you.”

  I didn’t reply because I wasn’t sure if I should be appreciative or royally pissed off at her. I walked past Blake toward the family room and plopped down on the sofa, while Blake took one of the chairs across from me . . . just like Noah did. This moment felt sickeningly familiar.

  “So, do you want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked calmly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You haven’t replied to my messages since this morning, Bobbie Jo called me in a panic, and Jen just walked out of here after giving you a lecture on not shutting people out of your life because you’re afraid of hurting them. Did I miss anything?”

  “Yeah, you missed that Noah left me a note saying that we need to talk, Stacey is pregnant, oh . . . and Jillian’s cancer is worse than we thought . . . much worse.”

  The color drained from Blake’s face. “Noah contacted you?”

  “He left a note on my car while I was at the oncologist with Jillian. So, I’m sorry if I didn’t respond to your messages, but this day has been a complete shit show, and I’m not very good company right now.”

  “I can see. Do you want me to leave?”

  “Yes.” I could see the shock evident on his face by my abrupt response.

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I am.”

  “So, Jen was right. You’re going to build a wall and shut me out because you think you’re protecting me. By pushing me away, you’re doing far worse. Do you not understand how I feel about you? Did our time at the cabin not mean anything to you? Because it sure as hell was incredible to me.”

  “The cabin was incredible and something I’ll never forget.” I turned my face away from him to look out the window. He was going to break me down, but I couldn’t let him. Falling in love wasn’t an option with me when the risk was there that my cancer could come back, just like his mom. If he wasn’t going to protect his heart, I was going to do it for him. He needed to find someone who didn’t have the C-word plastered all over her body.

  “Neither will I,” Blake affirmed as he walked out the door, leaving me alone on the sofa. The house was quiet except for the thoughts that were ricocheting around in my head. The house felt empty, which was exactly how my heart felt.

  Chapter Twelve

  I AM EMPTY

  Jillian’s test results came back and dealt another blow that no one had anticipated. The cancer had already spread like wildfire and had taken up residence in her bones, which was extremely rare. Typically, it took months or even years to metastasize, but not in her case, and the floor beneath us crumbled.

  Dr. Guthrie explained that there was no cure for Jillian’s cancer, but it could be treated, if she chose to pursue treatment. There was no guarantee on how much time it would give her, but she wasn’t going to let cancer dictate her life. She was going to make the most of whatever life she had left.

  The news was difficult for all of us, but something happened inside Jillian, and she transformed into a different person. She didn’t let her diagnosis bring her down anymore; instead she got stronger and bolder. She took a medical leave from work and began treatment immediately. It kicked her ass, but she made the most of her good days.

  Spring had officially arrived in Minnesota, and with it came the beauty of life growing around us. The birds were chirping, flowers were blooming, grass was growing, and everyone was outside enjoying the fresh air once again. I had focused on redecorating my house and didn’t go out much, other than lunch with the girls.

  Blake had sent me a beautiful bouquet of yellow and pink tulips with a card a few days after I asked him to leave.

  Victoria,

  I know you need time and space right now, but please don’t put up a wall between us because I will be forced to break it down. I’m sure of us, I’ve never been more sure of anything else in my life, and I’m not about to let you forget how special you are. You are the sunshine in my days.

  Blake

  It was very thoughtful, and I knew he meant every word he wrote, but he was right—I needed my space. I felt like I was spiraling down, and I didn’t want him to go with me. For the first time in my life, I truly felt alone; I had told Blake to leave and he listened. I asked for it, but all it did was leave me conflicted and ashamed. It had been three long and miserable weeks since he had walked out my door.

  Jillian asked me to meet her at one of the lakes to go for a walk. I didn’t expect a long walk because the effects of chemo and the pain in her bones were taking their toll, but I wasn’t going to turn down spending time with her. I found her sitting on a bench under a blooming cherry blossom tree.

  “Good morning.” I took a seat next to her.

  “Good morning. Isn’t it beautiful today?” She smiled at me from under her colorful floppy hat. Even though she was sick, she was radiant. I knew the fear of what was happening hid underneath her cheery exterior, but I admired her for always putting on a good face.

  “It is. You found the perfect spot to sit. We don’t have to go for a walk if you don’t want to.”

  “I’d like to walk a little bit, but I’m not in a hurry if you aren’t.”

  “No hurry today. I had my pre-op yesterday, and I’m scheduled to get my expanders out next week. I can’t wait to be rid of these coconuts in my chest.” As soon as those words left my lips, I instantly felt guilty talking about myself. Jillian had a much bigger fight ahead of her, and I was already starting to see the finish line.

  “I’m sure it will be a relief. It’s been a long journey for you to get to this point.”

  “It has. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. How insensitive of me.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. What’s important to you is important to me. You have been through a lot, and you deserve to be excited about it. Our journeys are completely different—it’s like comparing chocolate cake and liver.”

  “I know they are, I just wish things were different. I’m better at being the one with breast cancer than being the observer. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.”

  “Don’t be foolish. I’ve lived a good life, held an amazing job that allowed me to see the world, and while I’m scared as hell, I’m at peace with what life I have left. I never wanted to marry or have children—I accomplished everything I wanted to. Your life is still being written.”

  “My life is a goddamn gossip magazine headline, ‘Man knocks up law partner’s wife while having an affair and promptly dumps his wife who is in the midst of treatment for breast cancer.’ I’m sure it would sell a lot of copies,” I joked.

  “Yeah, well, your past wasn’t necessarily a romance novel, but here you are, and you have a future ahead of you waiting. Why are you holding back?”

  “I’m not holding back, I’m holding steady. And steady is good. My head is now showing a little peach fuzz, and my body is starting to feel like normal again, other than the obvious.” I hinted down to my chest.

  “Steady is boring.” She elbowed me in the side.

  “It keeps me sane, and I’m pretty sure nobody wants to
see me flipping out.”

  “Sure they do—it shows you’re human. Stop being something you’re not, and let people back in. This self-imposed bubble you’ve put around yourself is stupid. Don’t you see the sadness you’ve created around those who love you? They want to celebrate life with you, and you want nothing to do with it anymore. Where’s that spark?”

  “It fizzled out. I’m tired of being strong and pretending to be okay—I’m far from okay. Here I thought I’d be done with chemo, and everything would be normal again. It’s not. Emotionally I’m done. I don’t know what to do with the feelings I have, and it scares the shit out of me. Then I see how well you are handling things, and it makes me want to be a better person, but it’s hard. How do I move on when I know your time is limited? Why do I have a better chance to survive than you?”

  “Hell if I know. You’re asking questions that can’t be answered, and you’re going to drive yourself insane if you keep asking them over and over again. Live for today, not tomorrow, and stop spending your time trying to answer foolish questions. You have dreams and aspirations—you always have—make them happen. The only thing holding you back is your own mind.” She tapped her finger on my head. “Start writing your future—don’t waste any more time because you never know when the clock will stop ticking. Keep living the dream . . . for me.”

  “Well shit.” The waterworks began. “How am I supposed to say no to you? I can do it so easily to your sister and Jen, but it’s impossible to form the words with you. Bobbie Jo and I have been friends for years, and I’m sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you before now.”

  “No need to apologize. I was busy living my dream, and now it’s time to live yours.” She grabbed my arm. “Let’s go for that walk now.”

  We walked down the path toward the lake. The warmth of the sun felt wonderful, but not as wonderful as the warmth of Jillian by my side. I knew that this moment would be one that would stay with me forever. “Thank you, Jillian.”

  “No thanks needed, just do me a favor.” She stopped walking.